Porn Parody Theater: Captain America XXX

Director Axel Braun's storytelling style more closely matches the experience of actually reading a comic book than some of his more "mainstream" counterparts.

Witney Seiboldby Witney Seibold

Welcome back, my fellow porn enthusiasts, to Porn Parody Theater. This week, we’ll be looking at the most recent (of many, it turns out) XXX-rated Captain America porn films in the world. Captain America XXX, a brand new film directed by parody stalwart and prolific industry titan Axel Braun, is not to be confused with Sinister X’s (a.k.a. Robert Black’s) Captain America XXX: An Extreme Comixxx Parody from 2011. Both are intended to tie in, of course, with the “other” Captain America feature films, although Braun’s films seem to be their own entities as well; as I explored in my review of Thor XXX, Braun seems much more intent on keeping the look and the spirit of the comics alive through his own vision.

Crossbones

Captain America Porn Parody Cast

And while Captain America XXX is peppered with Braun’s usual celebration of off-the-wall and obscure supporting players – he included characters like Batroc the Leaper (Giovanni Francesco from Latin Adultery 18), The Falcon (Tyler Knight), the villainess Hellcat (Jessica Ryan from Porno Pirates of the Pacific), the masked assassin Crossbones (Derrick Pierce from Bounce and Bounce 2), the Red Skull’s daughter Sin (Claire Robbins from Inside the Pink Door), sometime-Avenger, sometime-X-Man Quicksilver (Bill Bailey, not the comedian), and a character that I had never heard of before called Diamondback (Kleio Valentien) – be he tapped into something much deeper in terms of superhero storytelling: i.e. the fact that comic books are now – and always have been – serialized entertainments.

Also: Guardians Of The Galaxy Porn Parody? It Was Inevitable

DiamondbackCaptain America Porn Parody Plot

Although ostensibly about the title hero, Cap (played by Aaron Wilcoxxx of Teen Alien Sex Dreams and five of the Big Sausage Pizza movies) actually hardly appears in this film, except for an early sex scene with a random USO girl (Britney Amber from Udderly Delicious). The rest of the film is about Baron Zemo (superstar Ryan Driller in a mask) hiring a team of random supervillain mercenaries (mentioned above) to capture the Cosmic Cube (not re-named “The Tesseract” this time) for his own nefarious purposes. The Cube itself passes hands several times throughout the film, eventually landing in the hands of Quicksilver, Diamondback, and The Falcon. A new wrinkle in the Marvel Porn Parody continuity: The Cosmic Cube casts an aura of sexual arousal, more or less forcing the three heroes to have sex with one another. Once the spell wears off, they are rather embarrassed. Hey, if it can control human minds, why not human loins as well? This is perfectly logical.

Captain America Porn Parody Review

We’re given cursory introductions to each character, but none of them – not even Cap – has any sort of grand entrance or expository backstory. And when the Cosmic Cube is in the hands of the good guys, that’s still not the end of the story, as Baron Zemo has further plans he intends to carry out. So what we have is a film without the benefits – and without the burdens – of a complex opening or final closing. And, in a way, this is only beneficial to the film as a whole. Comic books, you see, don’t have to re-introduce the characters in every single issue. These are ongoing stories, and they assume you have a working knowledge of what came before. Comics are small, monthly tales that ultimately link up decades worth of story arcs. So by picking up in medias res, as Captain America XXX does, and then leaving us off without a total denouement, we get the experience of having read a real comic. We just know what’s going on, even if we’re in the middle and we don’t see the end.

Baron Zemo

So Braun is further proving himself to be more on the wavelength of actual comic books than many of his mainstream comic book movie-directing counterparts. He doesn’t just know what’s in the comics. He knows what it’s like to sit and read them.

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Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.