craveonline

By Zach Oberman

The Superhero Diaries – brought to you by those who wear their underpants on the outside.  The following is based on Hulk #2, by Jeph Loeb.  He may not be able to spell ‘Jeff’, but he can sure write an entertaining comic book.

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Author: Tony “Don’t Call Me Tin Man” Stark Mood: Platinum Listening to: My Bang and Olufsen Stereo

Before I get started, I want to make sure everyone knows who they’re dealing with here.  I am Tony Stark.  Iron.F’n. Man.  I’m the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. What does SHIELD stand for?  How the f*** should I know?  I’m rich – when I want to remember something I’ll ask my secretaries.  I call them my little Iron Maidens - not because I’m Iron Man, but because they’re virgins with rock hard bodies.  We rich people are allowed to have our little eccentricities.  Take Larry Ellison: he’s all into Asian culture; his house looks like a pagoda and he’s got ninja shit lying all over the place.  I read the Art of War too, Larry, and just because I have to take my shoes off every time I come over to your place doesn’t make you Sun-Tzu. Now virgins: that’s what I call an eccentricity.  Ellison might fancy himself a shogun, but I’m racking up virginal sacrifices like I’m Poseidon.  Do you know how much it costs to staff nothing but virgins?  Who cares?  All I know is that I go through eight secretaries a week because every time I bang one I have to have her transferred to one of my sweat shops in Taiwan.  (Lately I’ve been referring to my rod as either “The Severance Package” or “The Pink Slip.”) 

See, success is all about an image.  Years ago I had two images – on one side I was Tony Stark: rich, handsome, charming.  On the other side I was Iron Man: powerful, heroic, polished to a high gloss shine.  Sure, I had it good, but then I went to a management seminar where I learned that good isn’t the same as great.  Winners are great, and if you’re not winning, you’re losing.  It opened my eyes.  Now I accept nothing less than the best.

For instance, as Iron Man I was an Avenger.  Sure, I was a hero to millions, but I wasn’t going to be the best Avenger as long as Captain America was around.  So I did what all top managers did, and found my VIP path: I Visualized, Innovated, and Persisted.  First I visualized a world without Captain America.  Then I innovated, manufacturing a civil war between metahumans that resulted in Captain America being branded as a treasonous criminal.  Finally, I persisted until he was arrested and ultimately assassinated. Hey – success isn’t always pretty, but it’s dog-eat-dog out here, and metaphorically, Captain America was one tasty-ass dog.  (When it comes to delicacies, I know what I’m talking about: for breakfast this morning I ate an omelet made from California condor eggs with a side of panda bacon off the belly of a naked albino woman.)