craveonline

By Zach Oberman

This Superhero Diary was brought to you by Justice League of America #19, written by Alan Burnett. Honestly the issue was a bit anti-climactic after #16-18, but it’s an interesting premise and Burnett’s dialogue is strong. We’ll still give him a thumbs up.

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Author: Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… if you don’t know who this is, you better ask somebody. Listening to: 3 Doors Down Mood: Ashamed

Sometimes people ask me, “Hey Superman – what’s your most embarrassing moment?” I guess they want to feel like I’m more like them, more human. Hey, I understand – the Supe is nothing if not compassionate. I tell them the story about the time I was in such a hurry to stop Metallo that I rushed out and forgot to put on pants, and we all share a chuckle at the image of me fighting a robot in nothing but my undies. Sure, it never happened, but am I really going to tell them about the time I got beat up by Batman? Or how I cry whenever I watch Bambi? Or about the time I got drunk and told the Martian Manhunter that he should turn himself into a chick so we could make out? I don’t care if I seem more human – I’m not human. I’m Superman. The Supe. Recognize. Most humans don’t have a Pulitzer prize – the Supe does. Most humans don’t have a super hot wife who also has her own Pulitzer Prize – the Supe does. Humans don’t have heat vision, the ability to fly, and the ability to punch their apartment building into orbit. But the Supe does, and the Supe will not be laughed at.

I mention it because I have a new addition to the list of moments we will never speak of, ever: getting rescued by Red Arrow. For those of you who don’t know, he’s the current archer on the Justice League. No, that’s not a typo. I said archer. As in, a guy who fights crime with a bow and some arrows, just in case he runs across a break-in at the local teepee or something.

If the Justice League has anything like an Affirmative Action policy, it’s for archers. It seems like we always have to have one, even though no one knows why. I always thought we kept Green Arrow around because he’s old and if we left him alone he might get confused and put an arrow through his housekeeper, but I don’t see why his sidekick gets to join the club; all the kid does is surf the internet and take up space. He’s like a superhero intern. Yes, he has glue arrows, flare arrows, net arrows and the like, but so what? Batman has all that crap in his belt. I could carry it around with me too if I wanted, but then I’d have to have Ma sew pockets into my costume, and the bulges would make me look less ripped. (Plus, what does the Supe need a flare for? I have flare VISION.) If he really wants to make himself useful he should make himself a couple quivers full of coffee arrows, because the Supe is not a morning person.

For the record, let me say that this has nothing to do with him being just a human. Some of my best friends are humans – shit, I even married one. And I have no problem with Batman being in the League, because that dude is crazy smart. He can solve a Rubik’s cube in like ten seconds flat. (I can do that too, but his solution doesn’t involve throwing it into the sun.) And while I’d never admit it to his face, Batman is bad-ass. Red Arrow is not. The difference might be that Batman didn’t name himself after his equipment. Who knows if I’d have as much respect for him if his name were “Black Boomerang” or “Yellow Belt.” Batman even has his own plane, while Red Arrow has to be carried around everywhere like a lucky penny that’s five-eleven and weighs 200 lbs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: a better name for him would be Red Luggage.

I will say this for Red Arrow: the guy may be a carnival act, but he’s either got a roofie-arrow or some serious game, because he managed to bag Hawkgirl, a choice piece of ass with legitimate superpowers. Funny: I thought the feather goes in the arrow, not the other way around. (Zing! Superman gets the square!)

And if it wasn’t bad enough that the kid comes in and starts nailing our superladies, this walking, talking novelty managed to rescue the entire Justice League, including me! The Supe! I have trouble believing in any creature more powerful than yours truly, but if there is a God, he’s probably laughing his head off right now.