craveonline

By Zach Oberman

The following is based on Mighty Avengers #12-13,written by Brian Bendis, who has masterminded this whole Secret Invasion thing. The invasion looks promising, but in our opinion, Nick Fury’s been acting weird.

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Author: Daisy Johnson, Agent of “F.U.R.Y.” Mood: Cautious Listening to: My crazy boss ranting

Okay, this is officially the worst job I’ve ever had. Even worse than the six months at the fro-yo store where my manager was always staring at my boobs. See, I work for Nick Fury, the eyepatch-wearing ex-director of S.H.I.E.L.D. When I first met him, he was Mr. Secret Agent, recruiting me to be one of his super spies. Then he got us kicked out of the agency, and ever since he’s been going downhill. FAST.

The man is insane. It’s like he can’t let go of the idea that there’s some huge conspiracy going on. Maybe that’s normal after you’ve spent forty years frisking everyone you meet; I don’t know. His paranoid fantasy du jour is not only that Earth is under alien invasion, but that it’s an invasion by the Skrulls, a race of shapeshifters, so they can presumably be anybody. I’d take him more seriously if I hadn’t spent five years hearing him make the same accusations about Communists.

This started shortly after he left S.H.I.E.L.D. He was shacking up with one of is old agents when he started to get a feeling that something was wrong. He describes it as an itch on the back of his neck, but how much stock am I supposed to put in that? The man has been exposed to a whole lot of chemical warfare over the years, and an itch either means danger or that he’s once again convinced that his skin is covered with spiders.

He says he followed this woman using a watch that turns him invisible. Sure, sure – and I have socks that make me lose weight. Anyway, Harry Potter and his digital Invisibility Cloak caught this woman betraying him, so he shot her, and according to him, that’s when she changed into her original alien form. All aboard the crazy train! At first I thought that maybe he has too much time on his hands, but now I’m worried that his delusions might not be that recent. For instance, I asked him if he had really had sex with a Skrull, and he laughed this scary laugh and told me I needn’t worry; he hasn’t had skin-to-skin contact with a woman for twenty years, ever since he learned that the Russians invented herpes. Ooooookay. Keep in mind that this man could have launched nuclear missiles.

Now I’m part of his super-secret plans to save the world from the spacemen. Normally I wouldn’t think you could run that type of operation out of a basement, but he tells me it’s not really a basement, it’s a high-tech facility that’s just been made to LOOK like a basement because that’s the last place the aliens would suspect. He says our base has everything he needs to monitor events worldwide - I wonder if he’s talking about when he stays up for eight straight days on methamphetamines watching four TV’s tuned to public access channels. (I tried to quit once, and later that night I woke to find him sitting on the edge of my bed with a gun in his hand and a wild look in his eye… I told him that after giving it some more thought I had decided to stay on a while longer.) And when I said earlier that I’m an agent of F.U.R.Y., it doesn’t actually stand for anything, but he insists that it’s how we are to refer to ourselves.