craveonline

By Zach Oberman

The following Superhero Diary is based on Action Comics #866, by Geoff Johns.  We’ve already confessed our nerd-love for Johns’ work, but if an inordinate number of these are based on his comics, it’s only because he’s writing so damn many of them.

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Author: Clark Kent, Super at Everything Listening To: Souljah Boy Mood: Really wanting to “Superman some ho”

I’m awful mad today. We got these two new editors at the Daily Planet, and one of them had the nerve to hit on Lois. Right in front of me! But since I have to be Clark Kent, Professional Wet Noodle, I have to be all like, “Oh, um… excuse me, um… stop hitting on my wife… please,” while using my powers to play snotty little pranks on the guy. Me! I’m Superman! I once farted so hard I ripped the fabric of space!

You know who also pulls that crap with Lois? Batman. Goddamn I hate that guy. He knows he’s messin’ with the Supe, but does it anyway, coming around the office, like, “Oh, hi Lois, I just flew into town, because I’m super rich, didn’t you know? I’m also a prick. Listen to me – I’m witty!” And you know what’s worse? She likes it! Does she think I can’t see her, laughing at his jokes and touching his arm? I know she’s probably just trying to make me jealous, but unfortunately for him, it’s working. Batman better hope we never get another genius in the Justice League, because when that day comes, me and my right fist are gonna pay a little visit (to his testicles).

Though speaking of testicles, I have to admit, while one of the new editors was putting the moves on my wife, the other one was all over my junk. Honestly, can you blame her? I may act like a dweeb, but I’m still Superman, and women can sense that sort of thing. I’ve actually worked with this chick before, but she spent the last few years in L.A., where she obviously sampled the local fare: breast enhancement surgery. She wanted me to know it, too, because she came over to “chat” with her new yabos hanging out all over the place. I almost told her she could put a leash on those puppies, because unless she is wearing her finest lead bra, I can see her rack whenever I want (and I did – two thumbs up!)

Yeah: I checked the girl out. I can admit it, because I may wear red underwear, but these days they’re supporting a pair of big blue balls. That’s right – the Supe has been going through a dry spell. My membership in the Genetalia League has been suspended.