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I hope you guys won’t think I’m a dick for bragging a bit, but the Scooter Summers ship has come in BIG time, bros.

I’m so pumped I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I could begin with this morning, when I woke up and the first thing I see is my model-HAWT g-friend. Though tapping fine ass is nothing new for me: I’m always hooking up with the hottest mutant babes, because they all know that I’m the shizznit. 

My last girlfriend, Jean, was not only crazy hot but an absolute freak in the sack. I found out later that it was because sometimes she was possessed by the galactic super force known as The Phoenix (who had this wicked S&M kick) and other times she was replaced by a doppelganger (who was down to “experiment”, if you know what I mean.) 

Jean died a while back. Actually, it was like the fourth time she’d died, but she always came back. It sounds like it would be cool, but trust me, it had its downside. I’d be all sad at first, right? But just when Angel or Iceman would call me up and go, “Yo, Cyke, we got a keg tonight, and we’re having some ladies over. It’s going to rage, dude,” sure enough she’d come back to life before I even had a chance to scam. It totally blew. Then she’d be like, “No, I can’t have sex, I just came back from the dead,” and she’d keep that up for months, even though I was like, “whatever, it’s just reincarnation - it’s not like it’s your period or anything.”

The last time Jean died it was for serious, and while I don’t mean to be a dick, it was about time. I mean, she kept coming back because of me, but I was ready to move on, y’know? I can’t be tied down. In fact, I had already started hooking up with Emma Frost, the White Queen. Two words: total MILF.  She actually used to be one of our worst enemies, but I’m such the bomb in bed that I turned her GOOD. Don’t be jealous. 

Anyway, this morning she was wearing this sexy white bra and panties thing – straight Victoria’s Secret.  I love that outfit. Sometimes she’s like, “Y’know, it’s not comfortable to sleep that way,” but them I’m like, “Well, it doesn’t matter – you have to do what I say, because I’m the leader of the X-men.” Holla!

That’s right: Professor X (aka Oldy McOlderson) retired, and I’m taking over. Okay, okay. Truthfully, when I say “retired” I really mean, “got shot in the face,” but whatever – the point is that he should have retired a long time ago.  Brah was old.  When Professor X got shot, I almost shouted out, “You’re my boy, Blue!” (Old School FTW!)

I’m not even being a dick though, because he’s alright. In fact, Professor X is the luckiest dude of all time. In the time I’ve known him he’s come back from the dead four or five times and stopped being a paraplegic. I guess he didn’t get off scott-free: he can’t read minds anymore. But still: boo-hoo.

Now the Prof’s gone to wander around and try to rediscover his powers. (Or maybe the old man just forgot where he lived – LOL!) Whatever the reason, it’s like my parents left town, and we’re going to throwing house parties every night. Seriously, you guys should come hang out – it’s going to be sick.