craveonline

Sony seems to be serious about re-launching the Spider-Man film franchise. In response to that fact we are making an impassioned plea to halt production and save us now before it’s too late. This isn’t the same thing as the ‘no organic webshooters’ plea, that was and still is stupid. No, this is a plea to the better sense of Marvel and Sony who are banking on another big seller in the box office. This is a rant for fans everywhere who don’t like spending their hard earned scratch on crap.

How bad was Spider-Man 3? So bad that it sullies the first two films in the trilogy. So bad that the idea of another film makes me ill, so bad that even after all this time I still can’t let go of how colossally awful the movie was. And now they are threatening us with a follow up to the movie that killed a franchise?

I will now explain to the best of my ability why Sony studios should leave well enough alone.

First off Venom ruined Spider-Man 3, it wasn’t Topher Grace’s fault, Venom was just overkill lest we forget that Spider-Man 3 squeezed in three times the villains for the sequel. “But the fans love Venom, he looks so cool!” is what all the kids are saying to me when they defend part 3. Well looks aren’t everything my young friends and more Venom does not make we want to shell out more money to see it. Never mind that there are rumors of a Venom movie in the works which leads to Carnage rumors naturally. All of that sounds like a CG nightmare coming to life before my eyes and is in no way enticing to go see at the theaters.

The reason that they’re even talking about another Spider-Man movie is because despite what guys like me have to say about it, everyone and their mother went and saw it. At that point it doesn’t matter how you feel leaving the theater, your money is already spent. The idea of them making a fourth sequel is tantamount to them telling all the fans who were pissed at the third turd to go screw themselves, and that ain’t right either. It sounds to me like they are hoping for another Incredible Hulk moment where one good film erases a bad one (even though I liked the first Hulk movie personally).

With the origin out of the way, what you have left is a straight up Spidey story, a story that will incorporate what exactly? What era in Spider-Man’s life would you draw from for another movie? Will it be about Peter and MJ getting married? Are we talking love story here, with Carnage and the Chameleon plotting on ruining the wedding? Is this the beginning of the superhero date movie? Where Spider-Man four will be considered a (cringe) chick flick? At this point in the game Spider-Man’s life is a bit too wide open, making it next to impossible to nail down exactly what kind of story there is to tell that will appeal to a wide audience. Will they try and tie Spider-Man in to all the Avengers buzz?

Please Marvel, don’t put us through this, it’s not too late to just call the whole thing off.

If you won’t listen to reason, then might I suggest intentionally tanking the project. That’s what Sam Raimi was accused of with part 3, this time lets go for the gusto. First off, don’t let Tobey Maguire come back as Peter Parker, screw that. Instead bring in Hayden Christensen, that guy can’t act his way out of a paper bag which makes him perfect for the box office turd that you’re working to push out in to theaters. Next bring in Michael Clark Duncan to reprise his role (from Daredevil) as The Kingpin, and add Carnage and Chameleon (to be played by Chamillionaire) as his sidekick’s. I would suggest someone from the adult film industry to play Carnage but I guess even you guys have standards, so maybe an ex-ECW wrestler instead. Finally, the movie should run three hours long with the last twenty minutes filled with wall to wall crying.

Regardless of what Marvel Studios decides to do, Sony still has the rights to Spider-Man. So they would be responsible for potentially one of the worst blunders ever with another Spider-Man movie. One of the biggest questions facing the movie making business today is how long the superhero movie fad will last. Well the short answer is not long if you guys insist on beating it to absolute death. Superhero movies have a 30% suckage chance right out of the gate, and the more of them you make, the better the odds are for them to suck. What I’m saying is please, please reconsider dragging the dead horse out into the light and beating it for no other reason than to make a few bucks.