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Maybe it’s just me, but it would seem that if you give a grizzly ex-con, ex-gang member hillbilly who happens to be a convicted murderer with eighteen armed robbery convictions and goes by the name “Dog” his own TV show, you’re doing more than politely asking for trouble. That’s flat-out begging.

The bigwigs over at the A&E network must have wondered what the hell they were thinking after hearing a recently-surfaced taped phone conversation between “Dog the Bounty Hunter” star Duane “Dog” Chapman and his son Tucker. In the recording, Dog explained to his son why having an African-American girlfriend was a bad idea, but not because she’s black. He even threatened to not let Tucker work with him anymore if he was dating her, but of course, not because she’s black. In the loving father/son heart-to-heart, Chapman threw the “n” word around more than Mark Fuhrman talking about the Million Man March: “I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It's not because she's black, it's because we use the word n****r sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some f****g n****r heard us say n****r and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine. Our career is over! I'm not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never!” Given that Tucker sold the tape (for “a lot of money”) to the National Enquirer, I’d say that’s enough ironic foreshadowing to earn itself a spot on the straight-to-dvd sale rack at Blockbuster.


Dog, thinking up colorful new racial slurs.

A&E immediately pulled his show “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from their schedule, as advertisers began dropping like flies. Desperate to do damage control, Dog quickly issued a public apology, saying his statements were “taken out of context” and that he’s not a racist. He then attacked the talk show circuit with a pity-party shamefest for whoever would listen. In an interview with Fox News’ fair and unbiased straight-shooters Hannity & Colmes, Chapman rationalized his flagrant use of the word, saying "I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I'm not. I didn't know really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people." Really? No idea? That’s a bit like not knowing you shouldn’t commit eighteen armed robberies. Oh, wait. 

Dog then went on to announce that he’s making a deal to be buried at an historic slave burial ground near first U.S. President George Washington's Mount Vernon home. "I want to be buried right where they're at because I will never be forgiven as (long as) I'm alive," he said. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to go over too well.


Dog, about to throttle someone that he has "the utmost respect for".

So far, two of Dog’s ex-wives, a step-daughter and a 15-year work associate have all come forward with further indictments against the international hunter of bounties. “He ran down every single minority group when I was with him, and n****er was a daily word for him,” says Dog’s third ex-wife, Lyssa Chapman. “He called Mexican people ‘beaners’ or ‘wetbacks’ and Asian people ‘flangeheads.’ I would tell him not to talk that way in front of our kids, but he just ignored me.” Flangeheads? Not only is this guy a comic-book version of an All-American renegade bounty-hunting man-beast , he’s so racist he makes up racial slurs. 

So say goodbye to good old “Dog”. Even in a culture drenched with debauchery and fixated on fuckups, there’s no coming back for Mr. Chapman. In the words of Hunter Thompson: “There he goes…some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”