craveonline

By Jeremy Azevedo

Not since “The Flintstones” has a cartoon property been so horribly maimed on movie screens as Speed Racer. Watching this movie is like having a Technicolor turd smeared in your eyes while anything you might remember sorta liking about Speed Racer is smashed into oblivion with a computer made of skittles.

Many times I considered leaving the theater in disgust, but felt obligated to tough it out so that I could see all of the horrors that Speed Racer had in store for it’s unlucky viewers.

First things first: If there were ever any two people that have no business even being near a child, let alone make a movie for them, it’s the Wachowski brothers. So why, why, why on earth was Speed Racer the most childish movie imaginable? What child has even heard of Speed Racer? Following is a complete list of people that would have probably liked to see a Speed Racer movie:

1.    Old people



2.    Stoners



You’ll notice that “children” is not a group that is represented here. There is no new Speed Racer cartoon re-launch. There are no re-runs being shown, and even if they were, today’s children wouldn’t give two shits about it. There are no action figures, comic books or collectible trading card games. There is NO AUDIENCE in this demographic. What’s more, even children will find Speed Racer to be shamelessly pandering, with sad attempts at comic relief, corny acting, lame story and boring action. If anything, Speed Racer only further proves that the only people that should ever be allowed to make movies for kids are Brad Bird and Robert Rodriguez.


Emile Hirsch taking a shit in a bucket while tripping on LSD.

At least sixty percent of Speed Racer consisted of a close up of Emile Hirsch (who has about as much charisma as a headless mannequin) making a grunty face like he’s taking a dump whilst sitting still in a car prop with psychedelic colors whipping around frantically behind him on a green screen. Whenever you see actual racing, it’s so obviously computer generated that it’s like watching someone else play a video game in a medium close-up that never really lets you see a complete picture. Never has the Wachowski brothers’ computer generated movie obsession seemed more masturbatory. And these are the good parts!