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Rule 1 - Make sure you're not actually insulting yourself.

This should sound obvious. But you've broken this rule a lot. You said something like, "Hey buttmuncher, ready to get your buttmunched?!" Ha Ha. That was a good one. I saw what you did there. You went for the ghey joke, insinuating that they eat ass. Good one.

Except…

You're the ghey. Think about it. You asked if they were ready to get their butt munched. Who's gonna do the munching? According to you, YOU ARE! Remember that south park episode where cartman thought that by putting his rod in Butters' mouth that it made Butters ghey? You should totally watch that one.

Rule 2 - Have a comeback ready

The best offense is a good defense. This is true in all forms of competition, including verbal kicks to the balls. I suggest having two to three, good, all purpose comebacks ready. For example, "I love you." That throws them off. If that doesn’t work, just shout and make noise and drown out the other guys. After all, if you can't hear them owning you are you really getting owned? Why do you think Tyson bit Holyfield's ear off? If you say "because he's crazy as hell!" then you're ninety nine percent right. The other one percent is because he was getting destroyed.

Rule 3 - If they're not crying then you didn't do it right.

Speaking of Mike Tyson's crazy ass, did he settle for TKOs? No he didn't. When he was in the ring he threw powerful haymakers that laid mother f***ers out cold. You need to do the same. Except instead of physically knocking people out you need to make them cry like the pathetic little 12 year old girls they are. In the event that person you make cry actually is a twelve year old girl, you get double points and a shot at the showcase showdown.

In the past you probably came up with junk like "You guys are terrible. I had a rampage. You're all a bunch of f***ing f******," or some such lame nonsense. First off, calling someone a n***** or a f***** is played out and ineffective. Not to mention just plain immoral. Go for physical characteristics instead. Do they guy have a high pitched voice? Then he probably is a little fat and has one testicle. So call him a one-balled Mickey mouse. Or a one-balled Minnie Mouse if you simply must work in a ghey joke. Either way, He won't see that right hook to the temple coming.

 Rule 4 - Train, train, train.

Do professional fighters go into the ring without having trained for months before hand?! Of course not, and you shouldn't either. Your goal is to watch You tube clips of Morton Downy Jr. and learn to insult people into a frenzied rage of hatred. Morton was a master of drawing information out of people and then using it against them. Watch this (Downey vs. George) You tube clip of him dealing with Wally George. Watch how Wally stutters his way through it all while Morton is calm and goes for the throat. Be like Morton. That's your mantra. Be like Morton Downy Jr. Only after you can pull out creative, person specific insults are you ready to step into the ring.

Rule 5 - Know when to throw in the towel.

I hate to say it, but even if you take the previous four rules to heart, you're still gonna get creamed sometimes. Mike Tyson was one of the baddest dudes in the world for awhile. But eventually he ran into someone bigger and badder and his status was lost. So the final point for you to learn is that when you're on top and you've just verbally assaulted someone to the point that they're speechless and crying, hit the B button and back out of the lobby. Leave your opponent on the floor and go out on a high note. Don't let them have the satisfaction of a comeback. Leave everyone else in the lobby with an image of you standing in a shower of golden light, angles flying about your shoulders as you deliver insults so effective that they think you're a messenger from God, there to remind them that they have sinned in trying to argue against your mighty mouth. F*** those one-balled Mickey Mouses.