craveonline

By Erik Norris

Hey gamers, come close, I have something you need to hear. Your hobby is not a sport. I’m sorry, but it had to be said. I feel the need to come out and say this because my mind was recently blown when I heard that gamers think their “sport” should be included in the Olympic Games. Are you shitting me? You sit on a couch and press buttons on a controller. The amount of physical exertion you do couldn’t be any less. I really think I burn more calories sleeping at night, or hell, touching myself. But you don’t see that in the Olympics, do you? (I’d win)

 Now this might seem weird because I consider myself a hardcore gamer. I fiend for these things, and even write about them, but I know where to draw the line. Gaming is recreational time wasting with friends. And you know what, it’s fun as balls, but I don’t come away feeling like I’m at my physical peak. My ego feels great, but my body still looks like a broom with hair.

This all started when Michael O’Dell, leader of Britain’s Birmingham Salvo team in the Championship Gaming Series (CGS), helped his team win, being named best gaming team on the planet. He came out and said that gaming deserves a slot in the Olympic catalog. He’s even quoted as saying, “I think there are tests going on at the moment about making gaming an Olympic sport.” Oh yea Michael? And how exactly are they testing that? Do they have a bunch of representatives from across the globe sitting down on a stained couch playing Madden or Unreal Tournament? I understand that you have talent, you’re a good gamer and could easily whoop my ass, but you might as well get that pipedream right out of your head. If baseball/softball are getting the boot from the Olympics by the time the London games roll around, good luck selling gaming to the committee. I can already see the lawsuits as murders and rapists say they got the idea from watching Unreal Tournament at the Olympics.

 Then, to add fuel to this out of control fire is Blake Peebles; a 16-year-old jackass who recently dropped out of school to pursue a professional career in Guitar Hero. Hey Blake, I’m glad that you can successfully play “Smoke on the Water” from the confines of your own home on a plastic guitar, but the harsh reality is that you’ll never be respected as a professional, athlete or musician. Your “career” of choice is built on some faux reality that you’ll be respected by some fan-base (that doesn’t exist) and actually possess enough talent (you don’t) to make money. However, if by some divine miracle you do make a dollar off this outrageous stunt, good luck making enough to live on. The horribly infrequent schedule for gaming tournaments coupled with your inability to churn out a product in your own name; you’re screwed from the word “go.”

Let’s take a look into my crystal ball and flash forward five years from now. You’ll be 21-years old, which will be a vital part of this picture. You’ll be turning tricks on the streets of New York City for a 40 oz. of Colt .45 to drown out the misery that has become your existence when your parents will stumble across you by happen-stance. This will be the precise moment their hearts crack in twain and they’ll realize they should have given you a stern “no” and five across the face instead of giving into your charade because they “couldn’t take the complaining anymore.” You’ve thrown away your education and entire life all because of a stupid choice when you were a child. At the age of 16 you really have no idea what the world is like, nor how harsh it is. Shit, I don’t even fully know and I’m 23.

 This, of course, all stems back to Fatal1ty for being the first “professional” gamer; paving the way for all these assholes to consider their hobby more important than it actually is. You might make some money, but Christ Almighty, gaming is not a sport and certainly not a career choice; we’re just a group of people that have more time on our hands than others. But I’m just a ripple in the pond at this point; I have no say in the overall scheme of things, but let me leave on this: if gaming eventually gets recognized as Olympic worthy, so should speed reading. Does that help put it into perspective?