craveonline

By Jeremy Azevedo

Each year, a bunch of morons sharpen their Scooby Doo pencils and set to work writing all these lame articles about what to get your mother for Mother’s Day, and it’s always the same crap. Unless your mother hates you with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns, she’ll enjoy most anything that you give her all the same.

That having been said, there are a few select gift ideas that you should avoid at all costs, which I have gone to the trouble of outlining for you here. As long as you avoid the following gifts, you should be the apple of your mom’s creepy glass eye this Mother’s Day.


"Hi mom! You accidently locked me outside again!"

A Bail Bond

“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! I’M IN JAIL! Can you bail me out?”

This is the second worst thing that you could ever say to your mom, the first being this:

“Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! Guess what? I married Lindsay Lohan in Vegas, converted to Scientology, dropped out of school, have AIDS, killed a US senator for Al Qaeda and never really liked your meatloaf! Happy Mother’s Day!”

A New Pet


A lovely creature in need of a good home or euthanasia.

Your mom doesn’t need another mangy ass pet to take care of for twenty years. Nothing says “Screw you, Mom!” like saddling her with another helpless living creature to stress her out every time she’s trying to go on a vacation, to piss/shit all over her carpet and burrow holes in her nice furntiture.