Major League Eating
By Johnny Firecloud |
Sure to be a hit in the more famine-stricken areas of the world, the Major League Eating association (MLE) calls itself "the sports franchise that oversees all professional competitive eating events and competitive eating television specials." |
Evidently, this is a highly competitive sport that is rapidly climbing the ranks of popularity, particularly among the morbidly obese. Based in New York, MLE boasts a fanbase of millions with events in the United States, Japan, England, Germany, Canada, Ireland, Thailand and the Ukraine. And boy, if you've never seen a Ukrainian gobble 21 pounds of grits in under ten minutes, you haven't lived.
A true symbol of gluttonous American excess, MLE is fast becoming an undeniable presence in the world of sports. There's even a name for eating contest groupies: Bunnettes. A Bunnette, as described on the official MLE website, helps count the food eaten during contests and is a "woman, usu. seductive by disposition, who is passionate about the sport of competitive eating and its practitioners." In other words, some chicks actually get turned on by watching guys gorge themselves. If you fit the profile, now's your time to shine, because MLE is conducting its first-ever worldwide Bunnette search. Head over to majorleagueeating.com to submit your photos & info.
Perhaps the most fascinating of all competitors (they actually call themselves "gurgitators") presently on the MLE circuit is a wafer-thin forty year-old woman from Virginia named Sonya Thomas, who has been referred to as the "Joan of Arc of eating", whatever the hell that means. With an eating technique that has been described as "physical poetry", this 105 pound cutie burst onto the scene in 2003 and has crushed nearly all competition in her path, many of which are the kind of mammothlike men you'd expect to find competing in this kind of "sport".
Sonya's astonishing feats of ingestion include:
11 Pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes
8.31 Pounds of Vienna Sausage in 10 minutes
44 Maine Lobsters (11.3 pounds of meat) in 12 minutes. Yes, you read that right.
46 Dozen oysters in 10 minutes. That's 552 oysters. Her poor toilet.
8 lbs, 2 oz Wienerschnitzel Chili Cheese Fries in 10 minutes
Oysters, lobsters and cheesecake are one thing, but have you ever eaten chili cheese fries from Wienerschnitzel? I can barely get through half an order without shitting my pants.
Pay attention potheads: there don't appear to be any official regulations yet regarding the use of performance-enhancing drugs prior to MLE events, so if you really commit yourself, those munchies could make you a star.
Kobe's Towel 
