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At seven years old, Tommy Goldhammer became the youngest movie executive in Hollywood. Now eight, he’s brimming with movie wisdom. Every week, he brings you a preview of the upcoming new releases at the box office. |
I hate going back to school. Mostly because being in a workplace five days a week anyway really puts into perspective how patronizing the rest of the world is about back-to-school time. To this day, I still will not allow my assistant to get any of my school supplies from Staples.
I’ve also really never had luck with first days of school. That’s why, starting last year, I got into the habit of bringing my assistant with me for the first day. It’s a lot less to worry about on my end, and was a huge success last year for the first day of second grade, back before my superstar assistant Denise left me for a consulting firm in San Francisco. Denise met with my teacher beforehand, secured a copy of the class syllabus, a seat for me in the right corner of the third row (the most sociologically advantageous position in a room), and even ensured that the class pet was hypoallergenic before I even set foot in the room.
This year didn’t play out as smoothly. My new assistant Joyce, the seven-year old with a body that could send people to jail, joined me for my first day of third grade this week. And I’ll just say this: Joyce sure is lucky she’s got a great ass, because she’s not a great assistant. There weren’t enough desks, so she had to sit on the floor next to mine for most of the morning. That was followed by a two-hour sit-down with a truancy officer to explain why a seven-year old was auditing a third grade class.
And when the dust finally settled, I got sent home because the scissors in my school pack weren’t childproof. Next year I’m just making it a sick day.
Movies are rated on a scale of one to three golden hammers, based on how much of my homework my assistant got done while I was at the screening.
Speaking of sharp things that ruined my day, I saw Machete. And while my mom wouldn’t let me watch scenes with violence or sex, or scenes where people were verbally engaging one another, I was allowed to the watch major plot-building scenes and anything that didn’t involve blood or machetes.
Coming out of it, I don’t really understand the point of this movie.
I was at an event last year with Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, for some cause like saving wildlife or something. I don’t remember what exactly the purpose of the event was, but at the time, I was absolutely obsessed with Zoobooks, and I spent the entire summer trying to butter up the Zoobooks people to adapt it for the big screen.
Anyway, I remember that Justin and Drew were there because they went around all afternoon trying to convince everyone in attendance that they were a couple. They would just walk up to people and say, “We’re dating,” and then giggle giddily like they had just broken the news to themselves. They weren’t even sneaking up on anyone with it. Everyone already knew. I’m pretty sure they’re f**king retarded.
So I don’t know anyone that’s ever enjoyed a long distance relationship. My friend Charlie had a pen pal in kindergarten, says it was the worst year of his life. So I can’t really say why you would want to spend an hour and a half watching a long distance relationship play out at the movies. SAVE YOURSELF THE POSTAGE!
Box Office Drinking Game of the Week
Tiny sip of the juice box every time one of Justin Long’s buddies in the movie comes up with a crude metaphor for dating.
Box Office Prediction of the Week
If you like painful things, this will be your weekend at the movies.
That’s all I’ve got. Best wishes on the new week.
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