At seven years old, Tommy Goldhammer became the youngest movie executive in Hollywood. Now eight, he’s brimming with movie wisdom. Every week, he brings you a preview of the upcoming new releases at the box office.

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By Tommy Goldhammer |
One of the things you have to deal with as a kid is other stupid kids. At this age, a lot of kids are just impossibly stupid. They’ve been around for as long as I have, but nothing seems to have gone into their brains yet. Like for example. Some kids don’t know what a corporation is. Really, shithead? Crack open The Economist. |
But one of my friends from school really takes the cake. Kenny Winters is one of the dumbest people I’ll ever meet in my life. I’ve been on this planet for less than a decade and I am already certain this is the truth. Just to give you an idea.
I don’t know who his mother is humping to keep him out of SLD classes, but let me just paint you a picture for a minute. There was a span of about three weeks in third grade where, just before lunch, Kenny’s eyes would light up like he had just gotten a really important idea. And he would grab my shirt by the sleeve and yank me out the back door of the school behind the teachers’ parking lot. And there, in the brown grass by the sewer, he showed me a dead crow.
At first, it was pretty cool. I mean, I can probably count how many dead things I’ve seen on one hand. And if you give me a stick to poke it with, hell, I may not make it back to class. But then a week later, Kenny got that look again. And not a different version of the look, but the exact same look. And he grabbed me by the shirtsleeve and dragged me out to see the god damn crow again. I was like, “Okay, I got it, I saw the crow a week ago. Why are we looking at this again?” And he just sort of sniffled with his perpetually stuffed nose and said something like, “I’m pretty sure another bird took some of his feathers.” A week later to the day, Kenny grabbed me once more and took me back to the dead crow. By now, I had nothing to say. But he just looked at me with this sparkle in his eyes, like he was waiting for me to react to it for the first time. So I just looked at him. And I said, “Kenny… you are f**king retarded. We’re not talking anymore.”
