Dan Brooks is no gentleman, his womanly hands type well enough to transcribe the remarks of Colonel Rawlins Birch, our nation’s foremost expert on what other people should do. This week, the Colonel considers how the dignified man undertakes the project of being dead.
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By Colonel Rawlins Birch |
To the contemporary gentleman, dying is like cleaning the bathroom: we all put it off as long as possible, but sooner or later we’re going to do it, probably as a result of methamphetamines. Unlike cleaning the bathroom, it is considered gauche to die the morning before your mother comes to visit. Beyond that, the etiquette gets a bit hazy. |
When to die
Among the lower orders, people die all the time with no concern for decorum or the convenience of others. This is why they remain poor. Instead of dying in tenement fires or labor or what have you, the poor should try dying immediately after breaking up their newspaper empire or dedicating a library to the local university, like the rich. Their children would frankly be much happier.
If you have no children, try to die before you lose your hair, but after your last divorced female friend remarries. No one wants to see what happens after that, particularly you.
A fine way for a gentleman to die
How to die
The appropriate manner in which to die will depend on your age when you do it. If you are young, you should try die in the most spectacular way possible—ideally one that involves sex. Break your pelvis while hang gliding naked with your stepdaughter’s elementary school teacher, or attempt an act of congress on a bear.
If you are old, try to die in midsentence. Practice saying, “Your mother and I were actually—” or “All that money, buried right under—” very quickly, so you can blurt it out when you start to feel your heart going. Unlike a young person, you should avoid dying in a violent and/or sexual context, as this will only confuse people and make for awkward conversation at your funeral.
