Dan Brooks is no gentleman, but his rudimentary computer skills enable him to transcribe the remarks of Colonel Rawlins Birch, who comes from one of America’s oldest and most violent families. This week, Colonel Birch expounds on the timeless art of conversation.
|
By Colonel Rawlins Birch |
As any man with no particular income or sporting ability will tell you, a knack for conversation is the most valuable skill a gentleman can possess. Let the masses have their Facebook and their electric message boards and their Twanger; the gentleman knows that real communication must be conducted in person, where ideas, emotions and the occasional well-concealed box cutter come face to face. Good conversation is the cornerstone of gentlemanly society. Like most aspects of society, it is usually spoiled by the presence of others. |
As a gentleman, you will often encounter inexperienced conversationalists whose attempts at communication invariably center on themselves. “Hey,” they will say, “that’s my wife.” Such narcissism offers little opportunity for interesting discussion, but it is the preponderant conversational mode. Given the inordinate number of boors currently wandering this country’s bars and parties in a state of perpetual Output—to say nothing of their wives—the wise gentleman will arm himself with a few prepared remarks.
Conversation starters
.jpg)
As with sex, a true gentleman does not initiate conversation unless the other party is too drunk to do so. The polite thing to do is to wait until some local wit remarks on the weather or whatever asinine sports club he mistakenly identifies himself with, then start a new, more interesting conversation immediately. Consider the following exchange:
Milky Fop: Traffic was pretty light on the way over here.
Gentleman: That chick by the stereo looks like she could suck the sailors out of a ship in a bottle.
Fop: [Agreement, either expressed verbally or with eyes.]
Gentleman: You didn’t forget to bring coke, did you?
Congratulations! You have achieved the primary objectives of conversation, which are A) to put the other party at ease by giving him something to think about and B) to discourage him from actually talking about it. You are now ready to move on to the next phase.
