In honor of the side-splitting hilarious upcoming film MacGruber (in theaters Friday) starring Will Forte, Kristen Wiig & Ryan Phillippe, we've put together a list of some life saving tips that may actually leave you worse off in the end. Inspired by MacGruber's backwards survival tactics, here's our list of Ill-Advised Life Saving Tips.
Earthquake: Find An Archway
A whole lot of good a sturdy door frame will be if the entire building is crumbling around you! Rather than hide inside a structure that's about to be a pile of dust & rubble, why not stumble your way outside, where at least the sky isn't falling in in you! If you can't get outside, find a bathtub, climb in and cover yourself with something hard.
Drink Your Own Urine
Look, survival is survival. You've gotta do whatever it takes to make it through. But before chugging, bear in mind that your little golden beverage contains all the toxins and waste products that your kidneys have worked hard to eliminate from your body. If you've been livin' the hard life and not watching what you put in your body, you'll be recycling the same stuff you toxified yourself with in the first place.
Snake Bite! Suck Out The Venom
Before you let someone start sucking your leg to get the poison out, keep in mind that they can actually damage the wound area further instead of helping much. And if they've got even the smallest cut in their mouths, they'll be in a whole lot more trouble than you.
Rubbing Two Sticks To Make Fire
Any literalist fool with raw hands and uncooked meals can tell you that making a fire in the wild isn't as simple as rubbing two sticks together after all. The sticks don't simply catch fire if you rub them fast enough - there needs to be a flammable focal point for the heat to go.
Jellyfish Sting: Pee On It!
It's best to go with your gut sometimes when dealing with some of the more outlandish survival tactics. If you're stung by a jellyfish and your friend drops trou to soothe your ailments, tell him (or her) to hold the flow; urine can actually release more toxins and prolong the pain if you're stung. Try ice & cortisone cream instead.
Bear Attack: Play Dead
Are you kidding? A 500 pound death machine is roaring its way to the buffet that's about to be your face, and you're supposed to curl up and pretend to already be dead? Not happening. Get the hell out of there, and pray someone within earshot of your screams has a shotgun.
