I don’t know how it started. Maybe it was in elementary school when the kids used to make fun of me because my nose was too big. I thought that if I could just make it smaller then maybe I could get a girlfriend and the cool kids would stop calling me "swordfish." As I got older I noticed other flaws in my appearance as well, like my sixth toe. And then my body began to age, wrinkles around my eyes, flab around my midsection. Luckily, as I got older cosmetic surgery became more commonplace. By the time I was 30, I realized that I needed over 27 plastic surgery procedures. I guess these kinds of things always start small and just spiral out of control. Yes, I’m addicted to plastic surgery. It’s just too bad I can’t afford to actually get anything done.
It takes a lot of courage to come out and admit something like this to the millions of readers of the CraveOnline humor section. But I really think it’s time to come clean. Having a plastic surgery addiction isn’t exactly something you can hide, because if I can ever afford any actual plastic surgeries, my appearance is going to change dramatically.
Before my plastic surgery addiction.
After my plastic surgery addiction.
My addiction has really taken a toll on me both physically and mentally (but because of my precarious financial situation, mostly mentally.) For example, in an attempt to pay for a tummy tuck, I was forced to get a job at Wetzel’s Pretzels at the Fox Hills Mall. After three months I was only able to save up enough for a manicure. Then, to my horror, my finger nails grew back. Not only that, but I gained weight eating all of those pretzels, which forced me to imagine yet another liposuction. Let me tell you, looking perfect, even artificially perfect in theory, isn’t easy.
