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by Dave Schilling |
America has a lot of time-honored traditions. We’ve got representative democracy, free market capitalism, the concept of the “barely legal teen” (yeah, Americans invented that!) and most importantly, infidelity. I don’t think we invented cheating. I would probably have to give that honor to the French, but Americans definitely perfected the act. |
In the Dark Ages, cheating used to hurt everyone involved; from the cheater, the person who was the object of the cheating and the cheated. After the rise of American culture, that all changed. John Edwards can cheat on his wife, get the girl pregnant and all involved get lucrative book deals out of the affair. As the great comic philosopher Yakov Smirnoff used to say, “WHADDA CUNTRY!?”
In honor of our great cheaters, I present to you our definitive guide for creeping on the downlow, so nobody has to know.
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING LIST WAS COMPILED WHILE THE AUTHOR WAS FORCEABLY DETAINED IN A THAI LABOR CAMP. ANY OFFENSIVE COMMENTS IN THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE WERE POTENTIALLY COERCED OUT OF THE AUTHOR AT THE CUT OF A RIDING CROP.
TIP #1: NEVER CHEAT WITH SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH
This is a common mistake. Some young hot piece drops the stapler, bends over to pick it up and you notice she’s not wearing any underwear. This is NOT an invitation for you to engage in sexual indiscretion with her. On the contrary, the lady is simply letting her vagina breathe for a little bit. Being that you don’t have a vagina, you wouldn’t understand how to maintain one properly. Also, there are sexual harassment issues for you to contend with. A casual dalliance with the office slut is not worth getting sued for. Lastly, you are already lying to your girlfriend. Do you want to have to lie to everyone you work with too? I think not.
TIP #2: CHEAT WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS
Someone who is close to death is far more pliable than someone with a good 50 years of life left in them. I’ve slept with plenty of hard luck cases in my day. They will do freaky things to you. Best of all, eventually, the evidence of the indiscretion disposes of itself!
TIP #3: AVOID “DATES”
I know you can relate, fair reader. Things are going well with your mistress. The sex is fine and dandy. She seems to get you more than your straight lady does. It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Except it’s not! It’s all a mirage of intimacy. The second you start “taking things to the next level” with the common gutter trash you’re tagging on the side, you begin to realize that the woman is actually brain dead. Worse than that, you become attached and then she cheats on YOU.
