Stop Asking Me About That Time I Fell Off A Cruise Ship

By Nathan Jordan

It seems like everywhere I go these days all that people seem to want to talk to me about is that one time I fell off of that cruise ship. And frankly, it’s getting pretty annoying. Yes, I went on a cruise down the Baja coast.

And yes, I fell overboard into the ocean where I clung to a life raft for five hours waiting to be rescued. It has happened to a lot of people, so can we please stop talking about it already?
 
Look, I know everyone is curious about my little “accident,” but seriously, this happened more than six months ago. You would think that by now my friends and family would have forgotten about it, not to mention all of those people who keep trying to friend me on Facebook. Here’s a general rule: if you didn’t hang out with me in high school, and most of you didn’t, then I’m not going to be your friend now that I fell off of the second deck of a Carnival Cruise ship.
 

I wish people would stop telling me how fun this looks.
 
Does no one understand how tiring it is to have to constantly tell the same story over and over again? Or how frustrating it is to answer the same inane questions repeatedly? For the last time: Yes, I was on CNN. No, I didn’t meet Anderson Cooper. And then there are the jokes. Do people actually think they are the first one to ask me if I made friends with a volleyball while stranded in the life raft? Ha ha. Good one, assholes. That movie only came out 10 years ago. 
 
And then people have the nerve to express disappointment when I tell them that I simply don’t want to talk about falling off of a cruise ship. People don’t realize that going overboard may sound hilarious, but it’s a very traumatic experience. Yet, all you folks seem concerned about is whether or not I considered drinking my own urine to survive, as though I’m some kind of asshole survivalist on the Discovery Channel.

You want to know what it was like? Then stare at this picture for five hours.
 
You don’t hear me bringing up that time when you got a speeding ticket or the fact that you got divorced or that your kid was born retarded. Maybe try asking me about my accomplishments since that ill-fated cruise. For example, nobody brings up the fact that I recently finished 26% of Grand Theft Auto 3 and plan on finishing the rest of it sometime in the near future. That’s an accomplishment. Falling off a cruise ship is just something that happened. Once.
 
So next time you see me walking down the street say “hi,” ask how I’m doing, and try not to give me that look that says, “I know we’re talking about the unseasonably warm autumn weather right now, but we’re both really thinking about tumbling off an ocean liner.” Please, have some respect. That’s all I ask. And no, it’s still not appropriate to bring up that one time I fell inside that well when I was a kid.

Read more by Nathan Jordan at www.whitesocksblackshoes.com