Are You a Juggalo?

By Jeremy Azevedo

Juggalos are perhaps the most misunderstood of all the various groups in American youth culture. Millions of fat, unwashed losers building what essentially boils down to a cult around a handful of rapping clowns because they don’t have shit else to do…

Actually I think they may just be understood only too well, come to think of it.

The problem, more than anything, comes with identification. Fully-mutated Juggalos are easily identifiable by the way they go around yelling “Juggalos for life!” wearing head-to-toe ICP merch wherever they go and adding “-alo” to the end of their sentences in some kind of f**ked up bastardization of pig-Latin or something. But how do we identify the ones that are yet to turn, and stop them before it’s too late? Maybe now is a good time to look at yourself and ask, “Am I part of the problem that’s making America look even stupider to those smug European assholes over there, laughing at us while they chomp down on their tea and crumpets?”

Take this quiz and find out!

Question1: My favorite band is:

• A.)  Bubba Sparks
• B.)  Vanilla Ice
• C.)  Three 6 Mafia
• D.)  ICP

Fact: Juggalos are defined by their unerring love for rapping clowns. If you picked D, you are almost certainly a Juggalo. Picking A is a bit of a trick question... (Normal people would assume that Bubba Sparxxx is exactly the kind of artist that Juggalos would embrace: A dumb, talentless, rapping whigger.) However, any Juggalo will tell you that Bubba Sparxxx is the only person to ever be booed off the stage at a “Juggalo Gathering”. If you picked A, it’s more likely that you’re a hillbilly who time-travelled into the future from the year 2001 to warn us not to drink the moonshine that you would bring to market in 2010 that made everyone go blind and shit their livers out.

Question 2: My ideal woman is: 

• A.)  A hot chick with big boobs.
• B.)  A hot chick with big boobs dressed in all black.
• C.)  A hot chick with big boobs wearing clown face paint.
• D.)  A Juggalette. Also with big boobs.

Fact: Juggalos like boobs just like normal human males. The only difference is that they also have an affinity for early 90s rave/goth clothes with the pipe legs and the chains hanging everywhere and the face paint and various other shit that no hot chick would go within 100 miles of. You are about as likely to see a hot chick at a “Juggalo Gathering” as you are to meet a Juggalo attorney or a Juggalo neurosurgeon. Which is to say, not at all.

Question 3: The woman that I’m actually dating really looks more like: 

• A.)  A hot chick with big boobs.
• B.)  A sorta fat chick that dyes her hair black even though she’s naturally a blonde.
• C.)  A morbidly obese chick with clown face paint.
• D.)  A disgusting fat-body of a hambeast that barely even resembles a human being anymore.

Fact: The truth hurts, especially when you are a Juggalo. This is why Juggalos band together into disorganized “families”, to bear their shameful hogging ways en masse.