"Harmonoscopes" by Harmon Leon

Romantic partners will be passionate before mid-week: expect subtle but compelling overtures for your affections. Some may encounter a series of emotional messages from past lovers, pirates and chimps dressed in people clothes. Stuff cotton in your ears.

Business officials may strongly disagree on new policies or additional work projects: early Tuesday morning, expect minor tensions or workplace power struggles.  Combat this by calling yourself “El Presidente-President For Life!” Execute those who question your power. Shrimp is a tasty appetizer.

Career optimism and social energy return early this week. After a fairly long period of inward reflection and private planning, arrive at work dressed only in a g-string and some coconut shells. Sit under your desk for the duration of the day. 6 is your lucky number.

Late Monday afternoon, romantic promises and home obligations may be openly discussed or canceled. Create a discussion about the romantic possibility of a relationship with several pieces of durable lawn furniture. Cry during sit-coms.

Over the next few days watch for lovers or close relatives to present conflicting, changeable emotions and noodle casserole dishes deserved in the sturdiest of plastics. Mmmm noodle casserole! Your neighbors hate you! 

Social politics on the work scene may be difficult this week. Expect work partners and close companions to now deny their past involvement in Nazi war crimes. Create a mock trial with the people in accounting acting as the war tribunal. Send co-workers to mock-prison. Fishsticks can help make friends.

For the next 2 to 3 days public image and social reputation are important considerations in all business relationships. Expect unusual suggestions or long involved social discussions with the people who live in the attic. If they become unruly, attack them with a flaming torch. Love comes from within.

Friends and lovers may now dramatically alter their social outlook. Early Tuesday afternoon initiates 4 days of rigorous mental conditioning. Put hot coals in each palm while reciting the American Constitution. Make homemade lemonade.

Old memories and past social expectations will have a powerful influence on your chances of becoming Mayor of your very own miniature village of mice. As acting Mayor, your duties will include ridding the streets and houses of all mice. Buy a bow and arrow set.

Loved ones may express a deep need for social or romantic fulfillment before mid-week. Watch for friends or relatives to reveal their past disappointments and regrets that the TV show Golden Girls is no longer on the air. Start your own fan club. 

Workplace decisions and complex business documents will require extra attention early this week. Expect a fast wave of minor details or public relations problems instituted by a 12-foot giant named Org. There’s blood in your urine!

Past relationships or private attractions may now create an atmosphere of intrigue and tension: for the next 5 to 6 days yesterday's social or romantic promises may conflict with today's love affairs. In other words, this is a good time to reveal that you were once a member of the opposite sex and have a sexual identity crisis. Eat paint chips.