"Harmonoscopes" by Harmon Leon

Early this week, lost friendships or postponed business connections may return: watch for unusual messages or rare documents from the past.  Also watch for the treasure map of Salty the Sailor who will take you on a high adventure on the Seven Seas, whilst making you his little cabin boy. Green makes you look fat.

Expect new work or social proposals to temporarily cause scheduling problems. Accent this by eliminating all the number seven from your telephone and from all your calendars. Grow a beard like Abe Lincoln.

Sunday through Tuesday watch for friends or co-workers to quickly establish new social routines and explore fresh forms of entertainment. As a group, go see an exciting, new interpretive dance group, or a performance artist who does unnatural things with watermelons. Don’t look in your attic!

A subtle new career options may arrive. Pay close attention to the hints, gestures or quick announcements of birthday party clowns. Note the subtleties of hundreds of clowns getting out of a very small car. Grow long sideburns.

Late Monday morning watch for long term friends, roommates or close relatives to no longer withhold information about the United State’s involvement with extra-terrestrials and Bigfoot sightings. Break a world’s record.

Past debts or forgotten payments may be temporarily bothersome this week.  Especially when a large man named Vinnie comes to your house and breaks one of your thumbs. Join the circus.

Love affairs and subtle flirtations will have a strong emotional appeal this week. Fresh social attitudes or public romantic overtures will now cause a restraining order to be issued in your behalf. Remember, do not come within 100 feet. Cry during lunch.

Late Monday afternoon watch for both colleagues and business officials to withhold key information or deliberately try to blind you with either mace or hairspray. Guard against this by tapping their phones and having them followed. Adopt an old man for a day.

Private moments in key relationships may be both intensely seductive and emotionally confusing. Kind of like the end of the Crying Game. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and just maybe you’ll learn a little bit about yourself. Free the animals from the zoo. 

Family disagreements or private home finances will now be easily resolved by a trip to Las Vegas. Put all your money on 39 black. Hello Easy Street! Dress your cat in clothes.

Social contracts, group obligations or long planned events may become briefly controversial over the next few days.  Especially that plot you concocted to kill the President. Skip.

Expect colleagues or long term work partners to avoid direct questions. 

Here’s an example:

YOU: Nice weather today, isn’t it?

THEM: Leave me alone!

Boy bands fear you.