The First Annual "Staschies" Mustache Awards!

By J-Stache

So after our poon-tang master class last week, it seems that these Crave Online nerds finally got their willies wet, and it was decided we needed to celebrate in the most natural method possible.

In other words, we’re going to get drunk and make fun of bad movies.
 
Yes, this Saturday (Oct. 17th) at 10 pm EST/8 pm PST we’re going to get hammered and make fun of one of the all-time best mustache movies, the 1989 opus "Weekend at Bernie’s" on Twitter. Get your well-worn VHS copy ready, or if you’re one of those tech nerds, your Netflix Instant queue, and join in the fun by using the hashtag #drunkatbernies.
 
With that in mind, I’ve decided to use my clout as a famous facial hair configuration to bestow upon some of Hollywood’s finest stars an award that they can truly be proud of. Who gives a rat’s ass what the academy thinks? They should be asking “What does J-Stache think of me?” I present to you, dear readers, the first ever Stache Awards!
 
Best Mustache in a Period Piece – Entire cast – Tombstone

Yes, the entire cast. I’ve been told that even the women on set were required to wear soup strainers to keep with the accuracy of the time period. Women in the 1880s were known to eat entire sides of beef and grow mustaches that’d put yours to shame. I, however, can never be put to shame. The ladystaches got digitally edited out later because it “weirded people out.”
 
Best Mustached Narration – Sam Elliot as The Stranger - The Big Lebowski

Sam Elliot is like your badass grandpa that built his own house from scratch, can down handles of whiskey in a single sitting, and then spit these sentences at you that don’t make a damn bit of sense, yet still carry enough weight to crush your puny brain with their smarty-ness (shut up. It’s a word. Look it up.)
 
Best Mustache in an Ensemble Cast – Tom Selleck as Peter Mitchell in Three Men and a Baby

Was there any doubt in your mind Magnum would make an appearance in this list? Oatesie aside, he’s the top mustache icon of The Decade That Loved Mustaches (that’s what I call the 80s. Watch it catch on now)! The only problem is finding a movie he was in that wasn’t utter garbage. Runaway was pretty rad, though. Gene Fucking Simmons was the bad guy in it, man!
 
Best Mustache in a Leading Performance – Daniel Day Lewis as Nathaniel Plainview There Will Be Blood

For exemplary style whilst beating a man’s brains out with a bowling pin. Oops, spoilers. Sorry, welcome to the internet. Get some culture, for chrissakes. This shit’s an Academy Award winner or something.