How to Make a Great Toasted Cheese Sandwich

By Harmon Leon

You might have heard about these fabled “toasted cheese sandwiches.”  You might have even had friends or strangers who have even sampled them for themselves. But how the hell do you go about making one for f**k sakes?!

Is it something the average person can do on their own, or does it require going to a very expensive culinary school? Well amigos, strap yourself in for some cheese-loving, sandwich-having action, and let’s find out!

The secret ingredient? Harvested souls!

THINGS NEEDED:
-Cheese
-Bread
-A napkin
-Several CD’s by Bon Jovi
-A pan or a George Foreman Sandwich Maker
-A pan flute
-Butter
-A troll (optional)
-Several Wet Naps
-Tibetan sherpahs (optional)
-A choir of young boys (a must!)

STEP ONE: Pre heat your stove top. If you’re not familiar with your stove top, it’s the part of the oven where you make the Stove Top Stuffing.

STEP TWO: Open up your loaf of bread. Be sure to check the expiration date. Throw away the top crust-slice. Stare at your two bread slices. Pretend they each have individual personalities. When this becomes boring, butter the bread. This task is called “buttering the bread,” which was ironically named after a 18th century Dutch woman.

Toasted bread: You're doin' it wrong.

STEP THREE: Cut the cheese. When you get done doing this, slice your block of Swiss. Place the sliced Swiss on top of the buttered bread. Then cut the cheese again; this time really loud.

STEP FOUR: Grill the cheese sandwich in a pan with the heat set at a “medium” setting. If you own the George Foreman Sandwich Maker, close the top and bypass the medium-setting-pan step.

George Foreman will laser your face if you don't own a Geroge Foreman grill.

STEP FIVE: When, and only when, the sandwich turns a golden brown, remove it from the heat (Those with the George Foreman Sandwich Maker once again disregard this step.

STEP SIX: Marvel at your sandwich. Then eat it. Then enjoy it. Then stop eating it. Then cry. Then laugh. Then enjoy it further.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE MADE A CHEESE SANDWICH!