J-Stache Guest Blog: Cars

By J-Stache

In the immortal sonnet of the traditional Trinidadian poet Mr. Billy Ocean, “get out of my dreams, and into my car.” These are the words of a man who knows what he wants and how to get it, and you know what they say about a guy who wears big coats: they get a lot of ass.

In this case, you can tell Billy Ocean scores almost as much as me.

 
Large outerwear aside, the true secret to Mr. Ocean’s screed is this: ladies, for some damn reason, like guys with cars.
 
It’s time for you to face the fact that your mom’s minivan that moonlights as your Domino’s Delivery Mobile isn’t gonna cut it. If I’ve learned anything through my trials and tribulations in pursuit of trim, chicks only dig sausage when it’s in your pants and not on a deep-dish. Here’s J-Stache’s List of Vehicular Necessities:
 
-          Power: V8, Horsepowers, Hemis, what the fuck ever. If it moves, it’s good enough. I’ve spent too much time learning the inner workings of the female anatomy to give a crap about what a torque converter is. NEXT!
-          Looks: I can’t say this enough: a world with more T-Tops is a world that I need to live in.  I don’t know when cars became these curvy plastic boxes with wheels that more than slightly resemble day-old jellybeans, but it wasn’t under my watch, that’s for damn sure.
-          Upholstery: I’m sure your chariot stinks worse than last week’s jeep-tracked tighty-whities, but just throw a handful of those leaf air fresheners on your rear-view mirror and forget it. You’ll smell like daisies in no time. (At the very least, it’ll smell like shit-soaked daisies, but at least you tried.)
-          Back Seat Space: A back seat big enough to bump uglies does the trick well enough. I also suggest a towel or two in the back, or else you’re gonna have to get even more of those paper leaf things. The last thing you need is your car reeking like a Chinese fish market.

 
Finally, I feel like I’ve been selfish with you Cravers as of late. It’s all J-Stache, all the time. Talk, talk, talk, but no listening. Has my Guide to Snatch served you well? Share your victory stories with me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or, if you’re a twatty Twitterer, hit me up @JStache. It’s like the part of every episode of Oprah where she lets the audience ask questions, except I openly admit to preferring women, and you guys aren’t a bunch of housewives. Or maybe you are, whatever.

Last weeks blog:  Fashion Advice: What Not To Wear: From Gays, To Nerds

Previous blogs:Drunk dialing with everyone's favorite drug abusing, alcoholic, animated mustache!

John Oates' mustache teaches us how to pull some serious wool

For more J-Stache pearls of wisdom, please do yourself a service and visit Jstache.com!