Dear Rebecca,
Remember when we broke up a few months ago, and you mentioned that we could still be friends? Well, guess what? I accept! So first of all, let me just say that I’m glad we could finally get over the petty differences we had in the past. We had some great times when we were together, moments I will always cherish, and I’d hate to think that there would ever come a time when we couldn’t be friends. You mean a lot to me, and although you’ve never said it out loud or even so much as vaguely hinted at it in a letter, I’m sure I mean a lot to you too. I realize that sometimes people go through phases in their lives where they must be apart, and right now we’re in such a phase.
Of course, I didn’t realize that changing your number and blocking me from your e-mail was part of this whole “friends” phase, but luckily I have a job where I am able to post correspondence online. This letter is all about a fresh start as pals. And as one of your closest, dearest friends, I thought you could use some advice.
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A pic from the good ole days. I’m so glad we’re friends again.
You see, I hear through the grapevine that you have a new suitor, and that you have a date set for this weekend. Saturday at 8 PM from what my “source” tells me. Hey, that’s so cool! I’m happy for you. I really am. Don’t worry. This isn’t going to be one of those “Nathan flips out and breaks the candy machine at Long Jon Silver’s” moments. I’ve learned from my past mistakes, which is why I’m here to help you as your friend and maybe make some suggestions that could help you make this date a success. Please don’t take this advice as an insult in any way. Think of it merely as constructive criticism from a dear, dear friend who has seen you naked.
For instance, I know all about those little ticks that could possibly irritate a potential mate. The way you munch on your ice, for example. (Kind of annoying.) Or the way you have trouble making decisions. (Very frustrating.) Or the fact that you have a tendency to hurt people who don’t deserve it. (Maybe one day you’ll learn that “smothering” to you is just “caring really hard” to someone else.)
Also, and I mean this in the best way possible, you really aren’t as attractive as you think you are. Look, I’m not saying I’m the most handsome man either. I’ve just heard from my source how good-looking your date on Saturday is, and I don’t think you two are a very good match. You should look for someone more on your level, someone with a larger belly and glasses perhaps.
And speaking of the “date,” I have some advice for you in that department as well. Don’t feel like you have to go out with this guy just to impress him. I’ve found that sometimes the best dates are the ones that you go on by yourself. I often go to the movies or dinner by myself. Actually I pretty much do everything by myself now since we ended our relationship. But I’m so cool with that. I’ve never been happier. Anyway, instead of depending on some guy to take you on a date, celebrate your independence. Maybe go on a picnic by yourself. He’ll respect you more that way. You can even take a picture of a good friend with you on your “self date” and pretend you have company. Here’s one you could use:
Yes, I have lost weight. Going to the gym and pumping iron every day will do that.
But if you do go on this date on Saturday, as your friend I just want to remind you to be careful. You don’t really know this guy. I would really feel more comfortable if you would e-mail me the places you are going and the times you are going to be there. You can’t be too prepared for rapists these days. And also, kissing can cause disease like herpes. And yes, you can get pregnant from mutual masturbation.
If all of this is worrying you, maybe it’s best to really think about whether you want to go out with this guy or not. Sometimes before a date it’s good to go out with an ex who is now a friend to get a little perspective. Maybe that ex has changed for the better now. Maybe he could show you a better time than any guy who drives a Porsche and buys his hair products at Ulta. (So I’ve heard from my source.) If you’re scared he may say no, don’t be. He probably doesn’t have anything going on this weekend.
And remember, I’m always here for you, whether you like it or not.
Friends for ever and ever,
Nathan
