Wild animals found at Zoo

By Chest Turtletaub

It was mayhem and pandemonium in the streets of a small Nebraska town when it was reported by a family of 17 that wild animals were living at a Zoo. The Fonsworth family had planned to have a nice picnic in the park when they saw monkey’s in cages, and alligators in what seemed to be manmade ponds.

“Who could have done this? Don’t they know how dangerous some of these animals are?” said the dentally challenged head of household Bootney Lee Fonsworth.

Local Sheriffs deputies tried their best to calm the family down and address their concerns. One officer would only comment under the guise of anonymity.

“I can’t believe people would put wild animals in a nice park like this, what if one of those there Rhino’s escaped and started eating midgets… I bet that would get on the news!”

Since the local town midget Cletus couldn’t be reached for comment it has been assumed that he was in fact eaten by a rhino.  A tiny memorial service will be held for the diminutive man next week.

When asked for comment park officials had this to say:

“Are you serious?!?!? That’s it; we’re packing up and moving back to California!”

There is no word yet on what this cryptic statement means, or what will happen to these wild animals should the park staff leave. The comment is also puzzling because everyone knows that California is going to fall off of the map into the ocean in a massive earthquake any day now.

President Obama declined Nebraska’s request for declaring a state of emergency, sighting that the state really should do something about those standardized test scores instead.

Local church leaders have made claims that finding wild animals at the Zoo is a sign that the end of days is fast approaching. Pastor Flemming was found outside the monkey cages when he made this comment:

“There! You see the look in their beady little eyes? That’s Satan staring me in the face. The next time they throw their own crap at me I’m going to throw some right back at the hairy little godless bastards. Amen.”

Several people from the small town protested outside of the Zoo demanding that the wild animals be removed and that if there were going to be animals in the park they would only be domesticated livestock and beasts of burden, plus dogs and cats and the occasional fish.

The park will remain open for now, we’ll bring you more on this tense situation as it develops.