What I Look For in a Woman

By Nathan Jordan

We humor writers here at CraveOnline have a saying : “So many women, so little time.” We made that up because we are writers, and it’s trademarked so don’t put it on a t-shirt or anything.

Naturally, I get all kinds of requests from the ladies for my telephone number or an autographed picture. (I get some strange requests as well, like for samples of my DNA and alimony payments.)
 

A daily scene outside the CraveOnline offices as these women wait for the humor writers to arrive for work.
 
Many of these women (most are of some type of model) often ask what I look for in a woman.  Since this seems to be a commonly asked question, I thought I would indulge my admirers with the answer. And keep in mind that this isn’t a list of strict rules. Consider it more of a series of guidelines that must be followed without exception. Now, without further adieu, here are just a few things that I look for when choosing a potential mate:
 
- She must be comfortable spending most of our free time in my room of Walt Disney collector’s plates.
 
- The carpet must match the drapes, if you know what I mean. I minored in interior design in college and poor color coordination in a living space irks me to no end.
 

This is completely unacceptable.
 
- Any potential mate should be willing to observe “Weird Al Yankovic Day” on the 23rd of every month, at which time she will dress up as Weird Al and sing “I Want a New Duck” three consecutive times while I do sit-ups with no pants on.
 
- She must agree to sign a confidentiality agreement stating that she will never disclose to anyone at anytime my obsession with Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl.