 By Dave Schilling |
Ah, Labor Day! The most splendid holiday of them all. Why do I love Labor Day so much? Simply put, because it’s the rare holiday that has real meaning. This isn’t some shallow, 21st Century ironic holiday like “National Talk Like a Pirate Day” or Christmas. |
This is about honoring the horrible, soul-sucking dead-end jobs we all go to each and every miserable day of our short lives.
It’s FANTASTIC!
While it is certainly very easy to lose track of what Labor Day is all about, I think it’s vital that we all make an effort to remember that there’s a reason for the season. There are plenty of simple and rewarding activities that you can plan for the three-day weekend. Of course, there’s the traditional barbeque. Throw some steaks on the grill, pop open some Bud Light and ignore all earthly responsibilities. Nothing more American than that. You could also try doing a little bit of charity work; maybe head down to the local shelter and serve hot lunches to the poor?
I could go on and on giving you great ideas about how to honor this holiday, but I’ve run out of ideas. Really, all this thinking about helping others has given me a bit of mental diarrhea. Also, the regular kind too.
Instead, here’s a list of 5 things you shouldn’t do on Labor Day.
#5 – Watch a Marathon of Scott Bakula Movies
#5 here is a doozy. If you are guilty of this, you have F’d up hard. What the hell are you thinking? What are you trying to prove here? You got some kind of death wish or do you just really love Clive Barker’s Lord of Illusions? You can’t get enough of his 10 second cameo in American Beauty? You’re pathetic. Go cuddle up next to your DVDs of Star Trek: Enterprise and die slowly.
You have really botched your Labor Day celebrations.
#4 – Indulging in a Prostitute
Look, I realize your rationale for this. “I’m putting an unemployed former Yale graduate to work! I’m doing a good deed for a sad human being! I’m putting food on her table!”
First of all, it’s not food you are putting on her table.
It’s crack cocaine…and she can’t afford a table.
Second, having sex for money is not a real job. You can’t go to a career counselor and have them recommend being a hooker for a career. Unless you go to school at Yale, in which case you might. You can’t get health insurance for giving Bjs at a truck stop. There’s no 401k plan to tide you over when you retire from getting fisted by midgets.
