(First of all, before I get in to any other details or explanations about my behavior the night of Saturday, August 1st, I would like to explain something to my ex-girlfriend. I believe science has a term for an incredible, unbelievable occurrence, an event that happens despite overwhelming odds, something like a shark attack or an airplane crash. The event is referred to as a “black swan.” If these implausible events didn’t occur, then there would be no term, but alas every once in awhile freak events do occur. For example, consider the fact that you and I were in the same bar on the same night in a city neither of us live in. I wasn’t following you. I swear. I could care less about your new boyfriend, or his Porsche, or the way he lightly caresses your cheek when you laugh. He’s a douchebag and so are you. )
Tai's Sign
Dear staff and patrons of Tai’s Til 4 in Chicago,
After the events that occurred last Saturday night, August the 1st, from approximately 1:35 AM to 3:24 AM, I have been repeatedly asked by my sister to publish an open letter apologizing for my behavior that night. While I don’t think an apology is necessary, I will do my best seeing that my sister and her husband were gracious enough to give me a place to stay on my recent trip to Chicago. And as my sister explained to me, “We still have to live in this neighborhood, you know.”
Since there is no way to personally contact every customer that night, and since I’ve apparently been banned from the premises, I must publish this open letter. I hope this reaches the appropriate people. You know who you are.
First of all I would like to apologize to the bartenders who my sister tells me were becoming increasingly annoyed throughout the night, particularly when the bar became busy. I realize that a “Unicorn’s Taint” is not the easiest drink in the world to make. Apparently, when you explain a drink recipe to a bartender, “imagination” should never be one of the ingredients.
I would also like to apologize to and thank the DJ who finally relented to my repeated requests to play “The Sign” by Ace of Base. Even if he agreed to play the song only to get to me leave, it was one of the few acts of kindness bestowed upon me all night. So I thank you, DJ Slappy Dan. You opened up my eyes.
Ace of Base makes me get my freak on.
