Note: The Henchman has been writing for us for some time now, we managed to get our hands on one of his emails. We here at Crave Online do not condone the actions of the Henchman but are afraid that he will 'hench' us if we don't run his stories. We post this as a formal warning to Mr. Derek Jeter to watch his back.
-Dante Maddox, Head Writer Crave Online
Dear Mr. Jeter,
As you are well aware your league has won the all star game yet again, and again I have lost untold amounts of stolen loot on betting on the all star game. I’m an avid National League fan and I think every year is our year, but apparently you and the rest of the American League have other ideas. As a professional henchman I know a thing or two about team work and strong leadership (I don’t possess any of those skills but I know about them) and I believe that the blame for my leagues all star game woes can fall squarely on your shoulders, your broad masculine shoulders.
You see Mr. Jeter, you’re a leader on the field and therefore you are solely responsible for the American League’s success at the all star game. You’re the one who motivates the other players, who are a bunch of bums compared to you, and add that spark that you guys need to beat my National League. So, it’s with a heavy heart that I must use my henchman henching skills to kill you utterly.
Face it Derek, you knew this was eventually coming. Until this year you were batting .474 in the all star game, with a 1.000 % fielding percentage, I’m pretty sure that’s better than God’s batting average in all star games, just who do you think you are? God?!?!? Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my favorite baseball players, it will be a shame to off you, but I will.
To all my fellow henchman out there, don’t worry I got this. This isn’t a contract or a ‘hit’ I’m putting out. We don’t need henchmen descending on New York in droves looking for a shot at Derek Jeter, no this is between Derek Jeter and myself, and the three big ones I lost yesterday.
So, I’m thinking about dropping you in a wood chipper ninja style, how does September 10th 2009 feel for you? If that works I can mysteriously appear at your front door at about 9am? If that doesn’t work for you I’m pretty flexible these days.
In closing your days are officially numbered, so you’d better win a World Series ring this year because this season will be your last. That way the National League will stand a chance of actually winning an all star game with you out of the picture.
I regret having to kill you soon,
The Henchman
