 By Dave Schilling |
When my friends ask, I am always more than willing to dole out relationship advice. I could have gone to a prestigious university, spent years studying psychology and actually become qualified to give advice, but I am: |
A) CHEAP
&
B) LAZY
&
C) VAGUELY PREJUIDICED AGAINST PERSIAN PEOPLE
As such, going the book learnin’ route was clearly a waste of time. Everyone knows all the best schools are filled with Persians.
Instead, I give my advice out for free. I see it as community service…in preparation for my next DUI conviction. As part of my preemptive punishment for running my car into a TGI Friday’s, I’ve decided to offer some relationship advice to the most famous soon-to-be-divorced mother of 8 children in the country: Kate Gosselin.
If you haven’t seen the TLC borefest known as Jon & Kate Plus 8, then you are
A) CHEAP
Or
B) LAZY
Or
C) PERSIAN
A milquetoast, fanatically religious couple had 8 children.
That makes them worthy of having a TV show, I guess. There are thousands of couples in Compton with the same problem, but they don’t get to be millionaires. The world was so shocked to find out that the milquetoast, religious family would lose their shit after becoming rich and famous.
The husband, Jon, found out that getting drunk and sleeping around could be rewarding.
The mom, Kate, found out that women look better with tans and fake breasts.
Stuff I learned when I was 13.
If this charming couple breaks up, we may never see another episode of their reality show. I don’t want to live in a world like that, so I’ve spent the last few days compiling a very scientific list of candidates to replace Jon Gosselin as Kate’s husband. Each candidate has been ranked on a scale of 1-8, with each point representing one of Jon and Kate’s snot-nosed children. At the end, it’s up to YOU to vote on who should be Kate Gosselin’s next husband. Send your votes in to
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and I will announce the winner next week.
Here are your candidates:
LARRY & KATE PLUS 8
Larry King has been married many times, which proves he knows what he’s doing. He’s fathered many children. He’s fashion forward, just like Kate. One look at those massive shoulders and those kids will run away screaming, so discipline would be a snap. He’s already rich, so no potentially jealousy problems. The only drawback? He’s Jewish and Kate eats communion wafers as a midnight snack.
6.5 out of 8
