 By Harmon Leon |
“Some very attractive ladies may not be quite so photogenic. Look for ladies who may be a hidden gems,” explains a Russian mail order bride web site. |
To maximize the chances of finding an available Russian mail order bride, it’s suggested to write “physically challenged” women as well. It also states that "The more pleasing to the eye will receive much more letters." (How very superficial of them!) The selection ranges from old, divorced broads with several children to really young ones (quite possible even too young...), all of whom dream of escaping to the land of Snoop Doggy Dog.
To cut down on competition, my heart leads me to email Russian cougars. With pen in hand and poetry in my heart, my Russian bride hidden-gem-dreamteam is composed of:
Olga Ojinova
Age: 40
Height: 5’3
Weight: 137lbs
Job: Chief Specialator (?)
Enjoys homelife, reading and amateur theater.
Seeks slim, financially secure white man from 40-60
Nataly Balytchenko
Age: 46
Height: 5’2
Weight: 128lbs
Job: Civil Engineer
Enjoys cooking, reading and making toys
Seeks man without any bad habits
I must be careful. It’s not all fun and games in the Russian mail order bride business. Many scams are afoot. An article in CBC Marketplace claims some lazy scam-artist simply copy and sell photos and profiles from other agencies. Some of the women were already married and living in the US.
“Good luck to you in finding the lady you are looking for. We hope you will find someone who will bring you the happiness you seek,” states the application form. Not only do I fully utilize the agency’s form letter for writing romantic prose to my Russian-honeys. I include a good photo! This is “crucial” to the amount of responses.
The photo I include is of James Francisus from the movie “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. (I heard the Planet of the Apes series is popular in Russia, thus insurance on receiving letters.) Do these women really want true love, or a green card sugardaddy? I need to know! I pretend to be an eccentric American millionaire by the name of “Sizemore”. I also include the following bit of prose:
A rose smells nice
And is nice to look at.
A woman is like a rose
She smells nice
And is nice to look at!
The responses filled my mailbox like a hearty bowl of borscht!
