 By Dave Schilling |
What you are about to read are selected pages from the Secret Diary of Bristol Palin, the daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The means by which we procured this diary are unsavory and better left to the imagination. |
Needless to say, they were unspeakable. Some of it involved reruns of The A-Team and a jaguar. That’s the last I will mention of it.
Many pages were ripped out, either because they were stolen in transit to us or Ms. Palin was protecting someone…or something. We will likely never know. What do remain are many of her personal drawings of the events in question. They are a fascinating, candid look at a notorious public figure. Palin has become the most famous unwed teen mother in America not related to Britney Spears. To be able to see her deepest secrets is a great privilege that I share now with you, the faithful reader.
Without further ado, here is the…
Secret Diary of Bristol Palin
February 24th, 2008
Dear Diary,
My name is Bristol Palin and as of 3:45 PM today, I turned 17. I have had such a good day! You were the last gift I opened and I could hardly wait to come upstairs and start to tell you all about my family. There are some things I can’t tell anyone, but I will like, totally tell you. First off, I live in Wasilla, which is the greatest town EVER! We have a bait shop and a General Store and everybody knows us. I never want to leave!
Anyway, I must of overslept this morning, cuz Mom and Todd had just finished skinning possum for dinner later. They were covered in blood and possum juice. It was SUPER gross!
Levi was with them, but he didn’t do any skinning. He was watching the episode of WWE Raw he taped off the VCR. OMG, I totes forgot to tell you about Levi! He is the CUTEST boy I’ve ever seen in my life. We’ve been going out for awhile now. He’s really sweet too. He always saves me the last piece of Crazy Bread, does his best not to belch in public and owns SIX guns! That’s more than most boys his age.
I have to tell you a secret. Sometimes…Levi looks at me funny. Like, his eyes get kinda dead and he starts sweating. Like, a lot. All over his body. Either possum gives him gas or he’s ready to…go all the way. I’m afraid, but it’s what girls my age do. We go all the way if our boyfriends are hot and play hockey and punch quails for fun. I don’t know, Diary. You’re the only one I can tell this to! I’m so confused!
March 3rd, 2008
Dear Diary,
I was right.
Levi made his move last week.
We were on the couch, watching Meet the Spartans for like, the 50th time this month. It’s Levi’s favorite, but I wanna watch Confessions of a Drama Queen.
I won’t go into detail about what he did or nothin’. Just that he tried. I may let him watch Meet the Spartans, but I’m not sure I’m ready to meet his Spartan.
Anyways, I gotta peace out. Todd and Mom got drunk on fermented cider, so I have to tuck them into bed.
L.O. L.O. L.O. L….O.V.E.!
March 4th, 2008
OK, so I won’t stall, Diary. Levi and I did it last night. Like IT. You know?
I tucked Mom and Todd in, but saw they had some cider left. So I thought, “What the F? Why not?” I got my drink on.
Levi called, which was awesome, cuz I was gonna call him. I told him, “like, come the F over and see me. Mom and Todd are passed out. We can neck some.”
He came over and we necked. Meet the Spartans was on, and I noticed Levi was kinda distracted by the movie. He wasn’t as into neckin’. I said “Damn, Levi. You more into Leonidas or me?”
He said “No babes. It’s just…I want to do more than just neck.” I was drunk as F, so I said “lesssdoit.”
After 6 minutes, it was over. At least I think it was supposed to be over, cuz Levi fell asleep after he made this weird sound that reminded me of a wolf being drawn and quartered.
I just hope I don’t get pregnant. What would a high school girl do with a baby?
July 26th, 2008
Dear Diary,
I am preg.
F.
August 29th, 2008
OMG, Diary!
So, like, get this. Mom is gonna run for VICE PREZ! What the F!? She seems super stoked. I guess I would be too, if I had known there was an election this year. I thought George Bush was President forever or something. Whatevs. Mom will make an awesome Vice President.
Mom says I have to go to all the debates and convention thingees with her. I’m preggers, Mom! People will think I look fat. Whatevs. I am SO not down with this. Plus, this guy Mom and McCain are running against is…Mom said he’s Pakistani. Obama or something. I didn’t know a Pakistani could be president. Me and Levi call his wife “Hobama.” Like Ho bama. LOL
I can’t wait to live in the White House or wherever people live in Washington DC. I’m so excited, I wanna go get drunk, but the McCain peeps said I can’t. I think that’s dumb, cuz Mom did it when she had me. So, whatevs to that.
Gotta jet, Diary. Kelly Clarkson’s playin’ my JAM!
October 2nd, 2008
This is gonna be a short one, Diary. I’m just too upset right now. The Vice Prez debate was tonight.
Anyway, I was out with Levi and some tramp called me ‘fat’ at the after party. Like, OK, so I have a kid in my belly. Big F’ing deal, you know? I’m not fat. Plus, Levi said my ‘things’ are bigger now, which make me even hotter to him. I’m gonna be First Daughter, like that one movie. So, F you.
Mom kicked butt in the debate, but I wish she got to debate Obama. He’s lame and rude. I’d love to see the look on Hobama’s face. F’ing FACIAL! PALIN’S IN DA HOUSE!
Ugh.
Even that can’t cheer me up, Diary. It’s like being a fat preg has ruined my life. At least I have Levi. He’ll never leave me.
November 5th, 2008
I have to move back to Wasilla.
I hate Wasilla.
I’ve been all over America the last few months. I’ve shopped at Dolce & Gabbana, Saks, Barney’s, Kitson, Lisa Kline and didn’t have to pay a dime (Thx again, Republican National Committee). New York, LA, San Francisco, Chicago.
Wasilla has a bait shop, a General Store, and everyone knows us.
Gossip Girl is on tonight and I don’t even care.
I think instead of Tripp, I am going to name this baby Turd.
December 27th, 2008
I gave birth today! OMG, it hurt a lot. You have no idea. It was way worse than doing the splits in gymnastics class.
We decided on Tripp, even though Levi came to like the name “Turd.” Mom said it would be too hard to discipline him if you laugh right after saying his name.
Can’t talk right though. Todd and Levi told Mom they were going out for “smokes,” which is their code for scoring meth. I’m guessing there will be some sort of argument about that or something. Whatevs.
February 24th, 2009
Dear Diary,
This will be my last entry in you. I discovered the internet during the last year and we finally got it in Wasilla thanks to Obama’s stimulus plan. Now, I’m on Facebook and Twitter. I also am on J-Date.
I decided to leave Levi.
I’ve grown a lot these past months. Mom losing the election, having Tripp and Todd getting the DUI totally made me more of an adult. Levi is still playing hockey, not doing his homework, and dirt biking through town naked. That’s just not for me.
I joined J-Date because I want to meet a nice Jewish man. Someone who knows how to save money and has never played a sport in his life. Obviously, chess is not considered a sport.
I mean, maybe Levi will grow up a bit. Maybe he’ll realize that stability is important in a relationship. If he does, I’ll give him another shot. He’s still super hot. He also has Tripp’s birthday tattooed on his forearm in case he forgets. That shows he’s going to be a good dad.
I’m 18 now, and I’m just as confused as I was a year ago, Diary. Some things never change.
