 By David Schilling | HUMAN EARTHLIFEFORM BEINGS! GREETINGS, SALUTATIONS and WELCOME! My name is David Schilling and I come to you far into mankind’s future, some 13 years from your present! |
Knowing all that I know, I must offer you the greatest gift a Spaceman from the Future can offer…
Help with your office Oscar pool, of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I noticed that my Quantum Deceleration Device dropped me off a few weeks after the 2009 Academy Awards, so instead of helping you now--when you probably need the money more--I come bearing the 5 nominees for Best Picture at the 2012 Academy Awards. This is your ticket to sure success…3 years hence! This is the prediction that will guarantee you will take home that entire $135 kitty (and the free appetizer coupon from Chevy’s that the fat, cheap guy threw in in-lieu of money) your co-workers so covet? Didn’t do well and want to get a head start on the rest of the known universe? Well, thank fucking God you clicked over here.
I’m sure that this last year, you had your favorite films that got snubbed…
Exhibit A
You might have thought that that John McCain biopic would have won Best Picture…
Exhibit B
This method of prediction is foolproof though, because I’ve already lived in 2012! I sat through the whole 6 hour ceremony and didn’t pass out once! You can take these picks to the bank, so why stall any further. Allow me to…EXPAND YOUR MIND!
And the nominees are…
HEART OF GOLD
An unattractive burn victim named Shelly returns maimed from a tour of duty in Iraq. With no education, no money and no military pension plan, Shelly takes to the streets. Selling your body isn’t easy when you’re missing both legs, but Shelly’s hard work and sense of dedication shine through. As she meets more and more lost souls (including Best Supporting Actor nominee, Paul Rudd, in a delightful comic turn as a coke addicted mailman), Shelly begins to realize that the only thing that can bring the human race together is true Christmas cheer.
Renee Zellwegger stars as the woeful, but transcendent Shelly. Her commitment to Method Acting led her to set herself on fire in the middle of a Barney’s New York. Zellwegger will be/was (depending on your quantum frame of reference) nominated for Best Actress for her thrilling portrait of the hooker with the titular “heart of gold.” “I couldn’t believe I was nominated…again,” she said. “It seems like all I have to do to win awards is put on some weight, wear some baggy clothes, or suffer horribly disfiguring injuries. In the end, it’s all worth it to feel the admiration of your peers.”
DICK DASTARDLY & MUTTLEY: THE MOVIE
Christopher Nolan directed this mature update of the classic cartoon. Heavily inspired by the classic Michael Mann film, Heat and Hanna Barbara’s Wacky Races, Clive Owen portrays Dastardly with a subtle intensity bubbling just beneath the surface. Christian Bale voices the CGI Muttley, a special effects creation like no other before it. Nolan is quoted as saying he responded to the source material’s “overwhelming sense of dread. There’s something truly remarkable about the relationship between a man and his evil dog. Also, I couldn’t wait to explore what convinces someone to grow such an ugly moustache.”
FARLEY
Of all the amazing transformations in 2012, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s transformation into former Saturday Night Live star Chris Farley was/will be the most impressive. Never before has an actor eaten non-stop throughout the entire duration of a film shoot. Never before has an actor gone to such lengths to be so obnoxious on camera. Hoffman truly became Farley. Seeing him eat that whole pizza in one bite while also defecating on a seahorse and mainlining heroin is something that will haunt me the rest of my days. Kudos also go to director Ron Howard, whose subtle lensing lent so much pathos to an already heartbreaking story. Hoffman summed it up nicely at the film’s press junket: “What more can be said about Chris Farley other than, ‘he was hungry.’ Sooooooooooo hungry.”
SHAMEFUL INTENTIONS
The sequel to the remake of 1990’s teen drama Cruel Intentions. An elderly Sarah Michelle Gellar is sexier than you think. That’s all I will say.
And the Oscar goes to…
...
...Wait for it...
...
SPACEMAN FROM THE FUTURE!
Quite possibly, the finest film to ever originate outside of the Milky Way Galaxy. This stirring cinematic wet dream about a criminally underappreciated writer/futuristic astronaut took the Terran Solar System by storm in 2012. Writer/Producer/Director/Star/Star Commander, David Schilling combined his ravishing good looks with a smoldering intensity that Hollywood hasn’t seen since Don Knotts’ first Apple Dumpling Gang film. Schilling had been toiling in obscurity until 2009, when he accurately predicted that he would be nominated for numerous Oscars in 2012. When reached for comment, Schilling is quoted as saying “DO NOT DOUBT THE SPACEMAN!” Even when divorced from the overwhelming hype, Spaceman is a tour de force, which deservedly picked up the big prize of Best Picture. Who can forget the scene where the Spaceman Schilling takes a hot chocolate bath with Megan Fox? The scene’s 45 minute length seemed to go by so quickly that the audience I saw the film with wept because it was over too soon. Roger Eberttron 5000 was said to give it 2 Nodes Up!
There you have it. Iron clad picks for Oscar 2012. Now I must teleport to Parts Unknown and new adventures. Be sure to watch the telecast, live on Hulu.com, at 3:00 AM EST, hosted by the Jonas Brothers!
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