Megan Fox is officially single, much to the delight of American males everywhere, none of whom have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually scoring with her. 
In less than a week, we’ve received hundreds of emails from potential suitors eager to be the next Mr. Megan Fox... Which is weird because if we had any connection to her whatsoever, we’d be at home doin’ it all day instead of writing stupid articles about her. Here are a few of our favorites:
Pete Pelmo, of Fresno, California had this to say:
 | “I used to feel really bad for jacking off to picture of Megan Fox online, because I’m such a huge Brian Austin Green fan. I’d be going at it, and then he’d just sort of pop into my head, looking at me disapprovingly and making it hard for me to keep going. The stroke sessions are running quite a bit more smoothly now!” |
Brian Palumbo of Albuquerque, New Mexico says:
 | “I think I’d be a great match for Megan. First of all, my name is Brian, so she wouldn’t have to remember a new name or, like, laser that “Brian” tattoo off of her box or anything. Also, I’m a great dancer and I’ve seen Transformers like 100 times, so I feel like we’ve got a lot in common.” |
Tony Samos of Long Island, New York muses:
 | “Wow, Megan Fox is single? I guess it doesn’t really change my plans to kidnap her and lock her up in my sex dungeon for the rest of her natural life, but at least that’s one less person I have to go through to get to her, amirite?” |
Laci Gunns of Las Vegas, Nevada wrote:
 | “I hear she’s into strippers... Maybe she was just saying that to look cool or sexy or whatever, but that doesn't bother me one bit. Either way, she looks like she could probably support my $1,000 a day coke habit fairly easily. Come see me at Crazy Horse, baby! Bring your wallet!” |
R.C. Collins of Portsmouth, New Hampshire summed up the general consensus thusly:
 | “Hey, it’s about time Megan Fox dumped that 90210 jerk-wad already. She’s bitchen!” |
Megan Fox was unable to be reached for comment in regards to this story, despite numerous phone calls, emails, text messages, notes slipped under the door and desperate pleas for a date. I mean comment. Call me!
