Stuff We Should've Banned Instead of Gay Marriage

By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World

We live in a sick, sad world, in which people do the sorts of things that would make Caligula blush on a daily basis.

Despite the fact that there are numerous other things that should warrant our immediate attention, there are countless people willing to instead devote obscene amounts of time and money toward deciding whether or not certain people can legally get hitched. True story!



Two gay people getting married is hardly shocking or inappropriate next to the laundry list of horrible, reprehensible and criminal acts perpetrated by our fellow men and women upon us on a regular basis.

To further illustrate this point, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of things that are significantly worse than gay marriage, but are not necessarily illegal (though they should be):

Having sex with a robot



Seriously, how is it not okay for a couple of gay men or women to get married when there’s people out there having sex with robots? At least a gay couple probably love one another. But a robot? Merely trading sexual favors for electricity and general maintenance my friend. Turn your back on your robo-mistress for one minute and she’ll be sucking off the next guy with a working electrical outlet faster than you can say 011101011011110101.

The new Chris Cornell/Timbaland album

Seriously dude, if your going to have an embarrassing mid-life crisis, do it on your own time.

Going to chain restaurants while on vacation in a city you’ve never been to

Have you ever gone to visit a new city with a friend or family member, and they’re all like “I know this great place to eat”, and then they try and get you to go to, like, Bubba Gumps or Cheesecake Factory or something? What’s up with that? Most people, when they go on vacation, all they do is drive around going to different place to eat and drink… If you’re going to eat and drink at a goddamn chain restaurant, why not save yourself the cost of a plane ticket and stay home?

Not eating bacon



Bacon is the most delicious food on the face of the earth. People that don’t like bacon or won’t eat it are probably aliens or witches or something and should be shunned accordingly. (I’m sorry if this offends people that don’t eat pork for religious reasons, but it’s a free country and you can always change your religion to a more pork-eating one, you know. No one’s stopping you.)