There seems to be an abundance of talk lately to boycott the 2008 Olympics because China is evil and likes to torture puppies (that’s just the gist of the FoxNews report I watched the other day). Granted, I am no great friend to the puppy, but aren’t we coming down a little hard on China? We should at least be fair if we’re going to throw around the “B” word and look at some of the positives China is responsible for when it comes to the 2008 games. For starters, how about the War on Ugly?

That’s right, China is getting rid of ugly people (temporarily). I read an article in Men’s Journal in March about how China was holding beauty pageants all over the country and the winners were being shipped into Beijing to act as “ambassadors” during the games. Conversely, ugly people (the homeless, drifters, etc.) were being shipped away (to parts of China where it is acceptable to be ugly).

China may implicitly support genocide, but we must also remember their contributions to the War on Ugly. Chinese officials are simply following the basic “Hot or Not” method of crowd control for a party. That’s why guys who show up to college parties with other guys aren’t allowed in and the guy that brings a bevy of sorority girls is welcomed like Jesus entering Jerusalem on Palm Sunday (sorry if you don’t understand the reference).

Ugly people are generally unpleasant and can really bring you down, which is why China is doing what it can to make the 2008 games memorable. If we boycott, that would send a message that the United States supports Ugly. Either you are with it or against it and the ramifications of standing against Ugly are pretty severe.

Think of how great sporting events would be here in the U.S. if all the Ugly was removed? I’m based in Cincinnati and that would mean I could attend Reds games with like, 12 people. How cool would that be? I’d basically have my own personal ball game.

Doing this would also increase jobs as cities hire judgmental people to roam around in vans deporting Uggs. Think Simon Cowell x 100 when you imagine these curmudgeonly defenders of beauty, riding around in their Ugly-mobiles and making split-second evaluations on the self-worth of any human they pass.

And, by banning ugly people, America would become more beautiful. It’s tough to imagine what being temporarily deported because you’re so ugly would do to your psyche. If there was ever anything to motivate the Fatsos to get back to the gym, this would be it. People complain about photoshopped models gracing magazine covers, but the problems those covers present are internalized by girls everywhere who are forced to come face-to-face with their inadequacies. They just think they aren’t pretty enough; no one is driving around telling them as much, and that’s the problem.

If they were explicitly told by their city that they were too ugly to be anywhere remotely close to visitors attending a sporting event, surely they would take drastic measures to right the ship. I’m thinking a huge influx of gym memberships, plastic surgeries, and crash diets. The more cash spent by these wrecked individuals will only help the economy.
So we could be prettier, more economically sound, and have more enjoyable atmospheres for sporting events, all thanks to China.

Looks like we’ve judged a little quickly, eh?

Mark Fox is a humor writer, person, and humanitarian. You can find more of Mark Fox at SportsRant.com, CraveOnline, and at his blog on the Lot D. Email him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .