.jpg?1201041123) By Dante' Maddox | January is almost over which means a lot. |
1. 5,000 dollars in small, unmarked bills.
Dude what couldn’t I do with a cool five grand! There are all those parking tickets, pesky student loans, and of course a PS3 (heck if I get that I might have change!). I could say that giving me five grand would allow me to make the world a better place, but who am I kidding, there is no way I could kill enough people to make the world a better place for just five thousand dollars. The horrible Brooklyn chick from Bad Girls season two costs twenty grand alone! I checked.
2. I would like a new country.
You don’t even have to move anyone, just change everything here, no one’s really using it anyway right? In case you haven’t been visiting our message board, a lot of people on our site have shown displeasure at the current status quo (shocking, I know. Until two weeks ago I thought everyone was totally cool with being lied to by the president, go figure). Somebody do me a favor and call the sheriff, we’ll have those guys evicted from the White House and start over from scratch.
3. I want a hamburger that reduces fat.
Yeah, I said it. I like burgers more than I should, but that’s only because they aren’t good for me, you should see my fat ass…on second thought. Scientists can make food that’s 99.9% fat free (where that half a percent is hiding is anyone’s guess, but its days are numbered), I watch commercials where Jenny Craig lets you eat all kinds of unhealthy looking crap, all I want is a burger that’s designed so the more of them I eat, the slimmer I get. Honestly, how hard is that? I know women say that looks don’t matter, but they’re all liars (dude, if your lady told you that, it’s totally your money she likes, for the love of God, keep that job!) I need a little help with my six spare tires.
4. Keyshia Cole proposal.
Hello Keyshia, it’s me Dante. Here’s your chance girl, here-is-your-chance! All you have to do is come down to the CraveOnline offices and propose to me. I’ll likely say yes unless Scarlett Johannson gets here first. It will be great, I have a nine to five which keeps me busy, and you have a recording career and a reality TV show that puts all your business in the street. Because of the show, I feel like I already know your family, and wow, only a guy like me will pretend they don’t exist and spend your money faster than Oprah can say, “Steadman, get back here with my checkbook!!!”
5. The names and addresses of idiot XBL gamers.
You little sacks of s**t! For the love of all that’s holy what gave you the idea that insulting someone over the internet was even remotely cool? If X-Box Live required you little cowards to display your full name and address, something tells me the behavior on the site would improve three months after I bought my first plane ticket. I’ll have to change my gamertag from Dante Maddox to ‘oh my god, that guy is nuts!’. The same etiquette that people bring to chatrooms and message boards should be brought to online gaming. Anyone who feels they have enough free time to waste it insulting a perfect stranger should be shunned and seen as a blight upon sane people. And remember, if you are guilty of pointlessly insulting a guy who’s thousands of miles away then yes, I’m calling you a vagina!
