What would Jesus do?
The first method to play off the killings is to make your Iraqi strategy transparent. Let the public know what was going through the minds of your security contractors. Explain that it was extremely difficult to gather reliable intelligence, so your team had to implement a new plan, called “What would Jesus do?”
If you ask that, the actions of the Blackwater killers are easily explained. After all, it was Jesus who said “let he without sin cast the first stone.” Iraqi spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh said the commission determined there was no proof the Blackwater convoy was under fire. “Not even a stone was thrown at them,” he said.
Bingo. No one threw a stone, because only the innocent can throw stones. Therefore, the Blackwater convoy assumed that all of them were sinners and could be gunned down like this was Halo 3. A breakdown in strategy? Perhaps, but that is on Jesus, not on Blackwater.
Kill with kindness
Another option for Blackwater is to completely renounce the way their security contractors do things, namely the killing of people with guns and whatnot. They should focus their efforts on instituting new ways of killing, such as killing with kindness. There would be no outrage here if the 17 Iraqis and their vehicles died from the heart attacks that are prone to follow the mass consumption of sweets, so it’s time for Blackwater security contractors to get baking.
Aren’t we losing in Iraq because we are fighting an unconventional war with conventional means? Blackwater should look at it this way. A gun = conventional means. A chocolate-chip cookie = unconventional means. I think it’s pretty clear what’s going to keep Iraq safe here.
“I’m not racist, my best friend is black”
Some government officials are claiming that the Blackwater security contractors are lawless renegades who are far too quick to shoot. They make it seem like these security folk went into Iraq just looking for reasons to off Iraqis. Blackwater needs to diffuse this ASAP by using the “I’m not racist, one of my good friends is black” strategy.
Every so often, some public figure will make a racist statement and then rationalize it by claiming that they have a number of friends from that race, which clearly makes it scientifically impossible for them to be racist.
For example, when Ja Rule recently claimed that homosexuals were ruining the country, he diffused the whole problem by saying he had homosexual members of his family and that they sometimes hang out during holidays. See, Ja Rule isn’t a homophobe, or else he wouldn’t let those country-ruiners in his home, would he?
Blackwater needs to work a few quick photo ops of their people engaged in various levels of fun with Iraqis. Maybe some smiling pics of them with their new Iraqi best friends on top of the tallest roller-coaster in Iraq? A picnic at the beach? Either way, the message will come out loud and clear. Blackwater and security contractors are like peanut butter and jelly, and there isn’t a single recorded action of aggression by peanut butter towards jelly in recorded history.
Find God
If Blackwater doesn’t want to blame God, they can claim they found God. Finding God is like the Get out of Jail Free card of public relations. Kill a group of nuns? Not your problem once you find Jesus. Rape a bunch of babies? Cry “Jesus!” and you’ll have the court of public opinion crying “innocent.” When you’re looking for something that’s lost, it’s always in the last place you look. Similarly, it’s a documented fact that you cannot find Jesus until you commit some unspeakable horror. If Blackwater goes this route, this could be the silver lining on the whole situation.
In the end, those 17 Iraqis will have sacrificed their lives so a group of security contractors can find eternal salvation through God. It’s time for us all to focus on the greater good here. And, just to emphasize the whole “Look, we found Jesus!” mantra, Blackwater should symbolically change their name to Blackwine.
If Blackwater employs any of these strategies, they can have their contractors back to executing innocent more Iraqis than they know what to do with.
Lee Ledbetter Ivy is a self-proclaimed PR guru who has spent 37 years as the official publicist for Lee Ivy. He can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .'; document.write( '' ); document.write( addy_text88910 ); document.write( '<\/a>' ); //-->\n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
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