Don’t be that person. Don’t know how not to be that person? If you really want to be safe, just stop living because people will be less offended by a tacky and incredibly lame ghost. If you aren’t ready to take that step yet or need some time to get your affairs in order, just avoid the following missteps in the meantime.
Claiming to love someone with your whole heart - This is probably the biggest mistake most people make in cards for significant others and it happens because they are lazy. Why is this trouble? Because next time, you will be forced to find a card with the following message.
I love you, sure, but I don’t love you more than I did last year. Last year I claimed to love you with my entire heart, so it’s physically impossible for me to love you anymore. I don’t want to lie to you in a card because honesty is the foundation of relationships. Really, because I can’t go higher on the love scale, I probably love you a little less. This may be hard to take on our anniversary but remember, at least I didn’t lie to you and now we have something to work towards. Actually, I probably screwed myself over last year by setting the bar too high. What was I thinking? I can’t commit my whole heart to you, because I also really love pizza and Lost. That’s not bad company though, is it? Happy Anniversary Honey. Ohh, let the record state, I also love honey.
How romantic.
Sending a card that makes you look stupid - Remember, your card represents you. If you send a card that says (outside)“I was going to give you an elephant for your birthday…(inside) but I couldn’t wrap it!” you are just blatantly admitting that you are a complete moron. You are no longer the friend who merely wants to wish a happy birthday; you are the one who believed it would be socially acceptable to gift someone an actual elephant. More than that, you are saying you didn’t even realize there would be an issue with that until you actually tried to wrap a living elephant. The problem wasn’t giving someone a pet they clearly could not care for or legally own, the problem was wrapping it. Now, did you really try to wrap an elephant? Either you did or you thought it would be cute to pretend you did and both make you look stupid.
Sending unoriginal cards - Avoid at all cost the (outside)“I was going to give you $1 million for your birthday… (inside) but I didn’t win the lottery, so here’s a card instead!” line of cards. Anyone can sense it’ s a set-up from a mile away. These cards might be neat if people actually received the occasional (outside) “I wanted to give you $1 million for your birthday… (inside) so here it is, enjoy” with a $1 million check in it. You may think it’s a clever, but whoever you are giving it to knows, despite however much trouble you claim you had in deciding between a new boat or a new car, that you ended up forgoing both in favor of a card.
Writing messages on sympathy cards - leave it to the professionals here. The last thing someone wants is a card with a “Sorry you got cancer, I hope you believe in heaven” inscription.
Signing a dog’s name- How does PETA not have a problem with people doing this? Why have they refused to speak out against this degrading practice? What’s ethical about forgery?
Becoming too popular to give a crap who gets your card - True story. I was attending the funeral of a friend’s father when the friend started laughing after he opened a card. It turns out that one well-wisher had such a packed social calendar that he gave my friend a card that read (outside) “Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy… (inside) Birthday!” The friend took it well, claiming he felt worse for the guy who was getting the sympathy card on his birthday, but there’s a lesson to be learned here. You are not popular enough that you can’t keep track of who gets what card.
Mark Fox is a columnist for CraveOnline. He can be reached at
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