NATHAN JORDAN: Let’s just get to the point. There’s been a lot of criticism directed towards you, not only for having eight children at once, but also for taking advantage of the system and putting a burden on tax payers.
NADYA SULEMAN: I wasn’t taking advantage of anyone...
JORDAN: But you knew that you that you couldn’t afford to raise the six children you already had.
SULEMAN: First of all, I love each and every one of my children. And until you’re a mother, I don’t think people can understand that. Second of all, plans are in place for upcoming projects that will help me support these children.
JORDAN: And that’s what people are talking about as well, using these babies as marketing devices. A lot of people say you’re exploiting... you’re exploiting.... Hold on. Give me a second.
SULEMAN: Are you crying?
JORDAN: No. I’m fine. Let me just take a deep breath. Okay... What were we talking about?
SULEMAN: Do you want a Kleenex or something?
JORDAN: No. I’m fine, really. Let’s just take a quick break. Make-up!
SULEMAN: There’s no camera.
JORDAN: Excuse me?
SULEMAN: This is a print interview. Why do you have a make-up person?
JORDAN: Why don’t we leave the questions to me? A little more around the eyes, Jan. Thanks. Okay, where were we?
SULEMAN: I was talking about how the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself. This is, and will always be, about my children.... Christ, what is wrong with you?
JORDAN: I’m sorry. My girlfriend and I broke up last night. As a single mom, I’m sure you know how that goes.
Remember what it was like when we were happy, Rebecca? Do you?
SULEMAN: A man was never part of the equation. It’s been well documented that I haven’t had sex in years.
JORDAN: Well, that’s the thing, my girlfriend and I haven’t had sex in years either, and somehow she gets pregnant.
SULEMAN: Would you rather do this interview some other time?
JORDAN: No. No I’m fine. I’m a professional, and I’m not going to let my private life interfere with my job. Now, can you explain why you rejected free childcare services when it was offered to you by Angels in Waiting?
SULEMAN: Once again, this has to do with the well-being of my children... Excuse me... Hello?.... Excuse me.
JORDAN: Huh?
SULEMAN: Are you even listening to me? You're just staring.
JORDAN: Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most gorgeous lips?
SULEMAN: This is weird.
JORDAN: I’m sorry. That was completely out of line. You were saying something about jelly beans?
Nadya Suleman. She smells really good.
SULEMAN: This interview is over.
JORDAN: Wait! Don’t go! I’m so sorry. Look, let me make it up to you. Maybe we could, I don’t know, try this someplace a little more comfortable. Do you like Shakey’s?
SULEMAN: Are you asking me on a date?
JORDAN: No. No. Just a follow-up interview. I mean, unless you want to go on a date.
SULEMAN: I’m out of here.
JORDAN: So no follow-up interview?
SULEMAN: Look, I have 14 reasons not to get involved with anyone right now.
JORDAN: Oh. Okay, what are they?
SULEMAN: What?
JORDAN: Can you name the 14 reasons?
SULEMAN: You’re an idiot. Goodbye.
JORDAN: Hey! Wait! Don’t.... Well, that didn’t go very well.... Maybe I should call her and apologize.
JAN: Maybe that’s not such a good idea.
JORDAN: No, it’s fine. Trust me. I know what I’m doing.
JAN: Hold still. I need to apply a bit more mascara.
JORDAN: Huh. Got the voicemail... Hello, Nadya? This is Nathan Jordan from CraveOnline. I don’t know if you remember me, but I interviewed you a few seconds ago. Anyway, I just wanted to that I’m sorry. It’s just kind of tough for me these days. Anyway, it was nice talking to you, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. And we’d have the same initials if we ever got married. Call me if you want to.... Bye.
(Author’s note: If you’re a single celebrity of any stature and would like to be interviewed by a handsome man with his own jelly-making business, please contact CraveOnline or e-mail Nathan Jordan directly. Please include a face pic. And if you’re Rebecca, don’t bother calling. I’ve moved on. You don’t know what you’re missing.)
