 By Dan Brooks |
In four days, despite our best efforts to create a just and humane society, Warner Bros. Pictures will release another Sex and the City movie. These are the times that try men’s souls. Also, yours is the girlfriend who will try to make you go to it with her, for the same reason that she made you go to her great aunt’s apartment. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to see Sex and the City 2, either, but she does want to see you sit quietly and pretend to have a good time. |
No one actually wants to watch this movie. When Warner greenlighted Sex and the City 2, they knew that they were not selling a film so much as a tool for testing relationships. Your girlfriend wants you to see Sex and the City 2 with her because it will force your hand. Men who want to break up with their girlfriends but have put off doing so must execute by Friday, or else spend two hours watching their mother’s tennis friends wander the desert yelling about their periods.
Those of us who are too happy or bald to break up with our girlfriends must consider other options. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and if you don’t want to have your skin fly off and turn into dust like the Nazis who looked into the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark (ed.: conjecture,) you need to do something, quick. The clock is ticking, but there’s still time to:
1) Abduct Matthew Broderick
A lot of people think we can stop Sex and the City 2 by launching some sort of tactical strike against Warner Bros. studios. Those people need to stop jerking off and get serious, because even a rudimentary internet research reveals that prints of the movie have already shipped. It would be logistically and ethically complicated to blow up every movie theater in America, but we still have time for a lightning strike on a high-value target. As the husband of Sarah Jessica Parker, Broderick would be a powerful bargaining chip. He’s also the only person who knows how to wind her.
