 By Nathan Jordan |
This week President Obama signed a historic health care bill, leading the way for major medical reform for the United States. Of course, many Americans don’t have the time to read through and decipher such a dense bill, so CraveOnline Health Care Correspondent Nathan Jordan has done all of the legwork for you. Here are some important things to understand about the bill: |
Health insurance companies cannot deny children because of preexisting conditions, including the commonly-cited condition, “looks like a miniaturized adult.”
Achy-breaky hearts are now covered under all health insurance plans.
Chain restaurants will be required to provide a "nutrient content disclosure statement" alongside their items. Expect to see calories listed on in-store and drive-through menus of fast-food restaurants. And yes, the dog meat they use in the Arby’s Beef and Cheddar sandwich is full of calories.
Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Federal funding for abortions has been removed from the bill by the No-Fun-Police.
The health care bill will be partially funded with a tax on indoor artificial tanning. New Jersey will now be considered relevant to the well-being of the United States.
Our new tax base.
Illegal immigrants will not be insured, but will be able to buy insurance on a day-by-day basis by standing outside of Home Depot.
Insurance on blackjack will still pay 2 to 1, but will now come with a free shot of Sour Apple Pucker.
The cut-off age for children to be covered by their parents’ health insurance is now 27, the age they stop breastfeeding in West Virginia.
Don’t ask this guy what he thinks about the health care bill.
“Your mom is on subsidized health care” is now an awesome comeback.
Obama rushed the health care bill through to handle the nation-wide depression epidemic that will accompany the divorce between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.
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