As the dust settles on the collapse of the Spider-Man musical, (yeah, yeah, it might rebound. I might also meet a former Victoria Secret model nymphomaniac with a coke problem and a Porsche dealership) I began to think about all the dumb things Marvel has pulled on Spider-Man over the years. Seriously, what is Marvel’s problem with ol’ web head? It’s like he’s the red-headed stepchild that Marvel loves to slap around because he’ll always perform.
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I think it’s that Spider-Man is one of the most well known comic book properties and the bean counters salivate at how much money he can bring in. Who cares if they’re bitch slapping the integrity of the character? You think Disney bigwigs sit around trying to figure out how to please the actual comic book fans? Nope, these greasy scumbags just keep returning to the Spider-Man well, in hopes of draining it just a little more dry. After a lot of debate I managed to think of the five stupidest things ever done to Spider-Man.
5. The Spi-ron-Man Costume
This was during a really bad time at Marvel so it wasn’t hard to figure they’d spread some of the horror to their favorite abuse victim. Marvel really had their work cut out for them because they had to blend two heroes into one giant vat of stupid soup. The Iron Man movie was about to become a big deal, so Marvel, very conspicuously, began making Iron Man the center of every single Marvel story. He was the head of S.H.I.E.L.D he fought against heroes in Civil War, etc. In order to make sure Spider-Man got into this ticket-generating shit show, they had Peter Parker work for Tony Stark, who gave Peter a new costume that looked like Iron Man.
Red and gold and ugly as all hell, Spidey swung around on this technological terror that came complete with extra spider legs and all kinds of neat gadgets that were completely not what Spider-Man was ever about. This whole new costume arc stunk so badly of Marvel trying to gear every hero towards Iron Man for the movie launch that it was hard to stomach. This was also when Spidey took his mask off and revealed his true identity to the world. That helped screw things up at a later date.
4. The Spider Lineage
Hoo hoo, haa haa, this is a real knee slapper. One bright and shining day the folks over at Marvel decided to gloss over the entire idea of who and what Spider-Man is, by enlisting their most creative minds to come up with the plan of Spider-Man not being a random teenager bitten by a radioactive spider, but instead part of a lineage that went back thousands of years. Yep, Peter Parker had been chosen by a mystical, magical, spider-force, because he was the most powerful spider-being ever, or something like that. Whatever it was it managed to make Spider-Man something between a Jedi and Harry Potter. At one point there was a spider tracker sent to kill Spider-Man but another member of the Spider-Lineage showed up to help out.
I can only imagine that the Marvel writers wanted to finish this story arc before the drugs wore off. Did they really think we’d all be okay with them pulling down their pants and taking a big dump on the legacy of Spider-Man? Especially when all they did was put the word “spider” in front of everything to try and make it seem deep and involved. Why not go all the way? Why not have every other word any character spoke be “spider”, that way the whole f*cking thing would be like the Smurfs.
“Holy Spider, there’s a bad spider committing a robbery over in that spider alley. I’d better spider on over there.”
You may think that’s the stupidest idea ever but if Marvel and the money tit they suck on, Disney, thought it would turn a buck I promise you they would do it.
3. The Spider-Man Movies
Front on this all you want. Raise Cain and summon the magical forces of Sam Raimi’s name until your gums bleed. Plot my death all you want to. These movies sucked. People have spent so much time bitching about the third movie; they’ve forgotten how awful the first two were. The Green Goblin looking like a Power Ranger? Mary Jane getting the Goblin treatment on the bridge, not Gwen Stacy? Doc Ock was a nifty father type before his cybernetic arms possessed him? What? When did Doc Ock become the Linda Blair of comics? I also loved that he dies in the end of the second film. Why keep old Otto Octavius around? He’s only been one of Spider-Man’s longest running villains.
Then there’s the third one, with a wasted Venom, a bunch of dance numbers, and My Chemical Parker whipping through the movie. I could just feel Toby Maguire looking around and saying, “Um…what are we doing?” The worst part was how the big dollars the movie pumped bled into the Spider-Man comics. Suddenly everything for Spider-Man was some big event, an attempt to figure out the next movie.
I was amped when the reboot idea for the film was announced as drawing off of the Ultimate Spider-Man time line instead of the one I followed. Let them screw up that comic with their next big film fiasco. The fact that some hot looking member of young Hollywood was cast as the supposed “outcast” Peter Parker doesn’t bother me because I could give a spider-ass about the Ultimate Spider-Man. I cracked it open once and saw Peter Parker with baggy jeans so I tuned out. I don’t need Gossip Man or Spider-Tree Hill.
2. The Second Clone Saga
I had no problem with the original Clone Saga, the seventies story arc involving the Jackal and a bunch of cloned Spider-Men. My problem arose when the “House Of Ideas” decided to shake things up by pulling off a real brain teaser of stupidity. At some point, after many cocktails and a few ludes, the brain trust at Marvel decided to try and make work the idea that the Peter Parker we’d followed post original Clone Saga wasn’t the real Spider-Man. That’s right kids, the real Spider-Man was some jerk named Ben Reilly who was shoe horned into the Spider-Man world. The best part was we were all supposed to accept this and not be pissed. It’d be like waking up Christmas morning and finding out Santa left you socks and underwear, you’d instantly scream for blood.
In a move that whipped around faster than reversing New Coke, Marvel started back peddling like a trapeze artist on crystal meth. No, no, Peter was always the original Spider-Man…uh….um…and I..uh we….I mean to say…..it was…um…Green Goblin’s fault…yeah, yeah..that sounds good. It was actually impressive the size of the sack it took for Marvel to try and front that they had always meant shit to go down this way. There’s no way that could be the case, because the entire wrap up with the Green Goblin was easily one of the stupidest and most rushed things I’ve ever read.
Marvel really thought they’d figured out a way to boost sales with the whole clone thing. Why not? To them Spider-Man is an easy target, a character with a long history of being used as a dumping site for bad ideas. What’s one more? When the fans screamed loud enough for even the Marvel Empire to quake, they knew it was time to right the wrong. The Clone Saga was ridiculous not only because it was a convoluted, badly executed idea, but it also got introduced into the Spider-Lineage during “The Grim Hunt” story arc. At this f*cking point I’d like to kidnap Peter Parker and stop him from ever setting foot into that science lab, or show up with a can of raid and kill the spider before it bit him.
1. One More Day
This is editor power and ego gone berserk. Coming back to haunt Spider-Man and Marvel was the entire Civil War issue when Peter Parker exposed who he really was to the world. There were also stilted story arcs with Mary Jane and the entire Spider-Man Universe. More often than not the stories were bloated and repetitive, lacking the charm and wit that Spider-Man brings to comics.
With all of this going on what does Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada decide to do? He has Spider-Man and Mary Jane make a deal with Mephisto to wipe out approximately the last ten years of Spider-Man’s history. Yep, poof, gone. Harry Osbourne was back, Mary Jane hated Peter Parker and all of us hated Marvel. It was such a gimmick, such a cheap way to deal with the issues Marvel had created, that fans flipped out. I kept waiting for Bobby Ewing from Dallas to step out of the shower and tell Peter Parker it was all just a dream, (for those too young to get that reference, check Wikipedia) but that would’ve been too creative for the House Of Ideas.
I’m not sure where to begin on how offensive this whole thing was to Spider-Man fans. First of all, it was a complete rape of the idea of deus ex machina, as well as a serious cop-out by Marvel on dealing with the possible divorce of Mary Jane and Peter with any kind of mature humanity. The execution of the story was such a mess that even J. Michael $traczynski took his name off of it. Imagine how bad something would have to be for Paycheck $traczynski to walk away from it. The final laugh out loud was when $tan Lee defended the idea. Nothing says integrity like a thumbs up from the guy who takes credit for just about everything to ever come out of Marvel. This remains the stupidest thing to ever happen to Spider-Man, next to the new musical.
So that’s it, the five stupidest things to happen to Spider-Man, at least in my opinion. Some will ask why I didn’t include the musical; to them I say it was too easy. Bono and the Edge writing music for a rock n roll Spider-Man? This thing was destined to tank before it got off the ground. It’s a clear-cut example of Marvel trying to milk their properties for all the money they can, integrity be damned. My reasons for not including it are mainly that this musical will be a footnote in the history of the character, while these five things will hang over the title forever. As impressed as I’ve been with the latest issues of Spider-Man, I await the day when Marvel will once again walk over with the creativity belt and beat the wall crawler black and blue.
Really, if you think about it, it’s inevitable.
