Author: Dick “I am TOO Batman” Grayson
Mood: Ashamed
Listening to: Lover I Don’t Have to Love, Bright Eyes
I am the worst Batman ever. There have only been three of us so far, so it probably doesn’t seem like being the “worst” is so bad, but I’d be the worst even if there was fifty Batmen, or a hundred. I suck harder than Azrael!!! I didn’t even know that was possible. Seriously, Gotham: lock your doors. There’s disaster coming, and if you’re depending on me to stop it, you’re screwed.
I’m talking about these “Fake Jokers” and “Fake Batmen” that have been warring on the streets lately. I know they’ve been quiet for a few weeks, but I’m telling you guys, this isn’t over. This “Bartholomew Fair” that they’re throwing in Gotham tonight? It’s going to go horribly, horribly wrong. I’m serious.
Look at the evidence! From what I’ve been reading, Bartholomew Fair was basically the Burning Man of Ye Olde England, with drinking and sex and carousing and all kinds of behavior. Now, I like to have a good time as much as anyone, and I don’t want to kill anyone’s buzz, but that sounds like the perfect place for people to go nuts on this Joker Juice that’s been going around. And honestly, the idea of thousands of Gothamites who look like the Joker and are jacked up on a mixture of ecstacy, speed, and Joker Gas... that’s my nightmare. I mean literally, I used to have that nightmare for years when I was a kid: surrounded by thousands of Jokers. The only thing left that would make my nightmare complete is if I was naked.
Still don’t believe me? Look at the guy putting on the fair: Winslow Heath. He’s a wealthy philanthropist who was attacked by the Joker years ago. The attack made his skin go bleach white, but did you know that it also gave me permanent Joker grin? That’s why he always wears that creepy doll mask. We’ve been looking for the Fake Joker who was planning all of those Joker-themed flash mobs that turned into riots... why am I the only one who suspects the guy who has a great deal of wealth, a high probability of psychological damage, AND A PERMANENT JOKER GRIN???
I know I just admitted that I’m the worst Batman in history, but I’m right about this. I wish I was wrong, but I know I’m not, if only because with my luck, this will be the disaster that shows everyone what a fraud I am. After all, what kind of Batman am I if I know about the crime before it happens and I know who is behind it, yet I can’t do anything to stop it?
Commissioner Gordon thinks I’m overreacting. Oracle is helping me dig up some information, but I think she’s just patronizing me. Alfred says he believes me, but he’s an employee. (And between you and me, he’s a total “yes man.”)
This never would happen if Bruce were still here. I still can’t believe I was looking for a Fake Joker for so long and I didn’t remember that there was somebody else with a permanent Joker grin. Within five minutes of the first Fake Joker video going up on YouTube, Bruce would have been checking Heath out. Bruce probably would have known his social security number by heart.
And if Bruce called Commissioner Gordon and told that there was going to be an attack on the Fair, Commissioner Gordon would have shut it down like that. No questions asked. (You can’t tell, but I just snapped.) Bruce had such a great relationship with Gordon. For whatever reason, I haven’t been able to build something like that in the years I’ve been wearing the cowl. Why can’t he trust me like he did Bruce? Is it that obvious that I’m a Batfailure? (I wonder if he knows I used bang his daughter.)
I couldn’t even get Fake Joker to fear me. I found him at his apartment last night, and even though I did the sneaky ninja entrance thing perfectly, I couldn’t scare the guy at all. When I told him I knew what he was up to, he accused me of slander, and said he had it on tape. I’m not really sure what happened next. I mean, I just left. I don’t know what came over me, but I got flustered. For some reason I got scared that he was going to sue me, even though I know how idiotic that is - it’s like suing Oscar the Grouch for harassment.
I watched Bruce do this job for years, but to look at me you’d think it was amateur hour. Being Batman is all about about fear, and intimidation. Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious yada yada yada. But not when Dick Grayson’s driving the Batmobile. Then they’re brazen and litigious. Way to strike fear, Dick.
OMG, I’m such an idiot. WHY DIDN’T I DROP HIM OFF A BUILDING??? Aagh!!! That ALWAYS works! Bruce would have given this dude the “Gravity Express” five or six times, and this would have been over.
Oh, and don’t think the subtext is lost on me. Here I am, wearing Bruce’s costume, and struggling to solve a case about fake Jokers and fake Batmen? Yes, I get it: I’m just another one of the Fake Batmen. Thanks, Universe. It wasn’t enough that I’ve got Bruce’s illegitimate son Damian hanging around the Batcave and pointing out how unfit I am to wear the cape and cowl. (Like you need good grammar to be Batman. Or well grammar... or to grammar well... whatever. I hate that kid.)
I didn’t want this either, y’know. I had a great thing going as Nightwing, and it fit my personality. Nightwing is laid back. He cracks jokes while he cracks skulls. Yeah, he considers pomade to be one of his most important crime fighting tools, but the ladies love it. I could have gone on like that for years more, but I had to take over when Bruce got killed, or... zapped to another time or dimension or something. I was the only one willing to step up, but now I’m the one who looks bad for not living up to the legend.
This is not what I used to imagine it’d be like when I was a kid, sneaking down to the Batcave and trying on the cape when Bruce wasn’t home.
Alright, I’m off to the fair to see if I can try and minimize the disaster-ness of this whole thing. (Seriously, readers, stay away from there.)
- DG
This issue of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by Detective Comics #869, by David Hine. Decent, but we’re not huge fans of Scott McDaniel, who’s pencilling it. We think his art is a little cartoonish and flat.
