Author: Thor (God of Thunder, Lord of Lightning, flaxen beauty); Donald Blake, (alter ego, co-author, co-Thor)
Mood: Dark and Cloudy
Listening To: The all-seeing Heimdall, as he describes what Megan Fox is doing at this very moment. While I agree that she is hot, I care not to hear about what she wears to the dentist’s office! All of Asgard knows that the Sovereign of the Storm requires silence when blogging!!!
Methinks I hath made a boo-boo. Mark this day on your calendars, ye mortals, for unlikely in your short lives, that are like a moth to my immortal flame, shall you e’er again hear of Thor, God of the Thunder, erring!
Donnie Blake here, guys. Sorry about the blonde blowhard. He’s a little flustered right now, and he gets bombastic when that happens. He’s not really used to being in touch with his feelings.
‘Tis enough, Blake! ‘Tis not for mortals to know the inner workings of their gods, save for those reflections which I deign to share. (Rememberest: for the most up-to-date divine proclamations, follow me on Twitter @ThunderPants.) Now thy vexing commentary hast made me lose my train of thought!
Ah yes. I have erred. Hard times have fallen upon Asgard. There be discord amongst the Aesir, and we are beset by a malaise that affects such stalwarts as Balder the Brave and, even I, Thor the Thunderous.
They know who you are, dude. You can just say ‘Thor.’ Or even ‘Me.’
I hear not your prattling, Blake. Surely any of you reading this know of which I, Thor, Titan of the Tropical Storm, speak. Great Odin, the All-Father, has been dead for years, and the machinations of my foul brother Loki have brought about the destruction of Asgard, which now lies in ruin outside of Broxton, Oklahoma.
On the plus side, the Maloof brothers are talking to us about building an Asgard hotel and casino in Vegas. Every night they’ll recreate Ragnarok right on the Strip; it’ll make the Bellagio’s water show look like a Slip-N-Slide. The nightclub, Valhalla, will feature blonde waitresses dressed as valkyries who will do a midnight “ride” on mechanical bulls set to Wagner.
Aye, ‘tis a vision that fills my cod-piece with a cumulo-nimbus erection, yet one that is tempered when I think of the still-smoking husk of Asgard. Now, the Aesir are lost. For the first time in eons we are filled with self-doubt, and none more than Balder the Brave, our king.
I found him today, wandering among the ruins. He held the head of a statue of Odin, and as I came upon him, he began to abuse himself, verbally. He blames himself for the fall of Asgard and for failing our Pantheon, but I was enraged to see him so, and all of Midgard knows that the rage of Thor, Divinity of the Downpour, is a frightful thing to behold!
Thor yelled at him. It was the “You can act like a man” speech from Godfather, but with overwrought English. And at one point, Thor threatened that he would “stay [Balder’s] tongue,” which sounds just nasty.
In retrospect, I may have overreacted.
Well, duh. I mean... Asgard got blown up, and the guy who was in charge of it feels bad. Can you blame him? Plus, he hasn’t slept in days. It was the type of thing that could have been fixed with a pat on the shoulder and an “atta boy.” Then again, when all you have is a hammer, all you see is nails.
PERJURY AND SLANDER! Ne’er did I hit Balder with noble Mjolnir, my warhammer! You lie, Blake!
Oh my God - it’s a figure of speech, you nitwit.
(At least you admit that I am your God.) I fear I have made things worse. He has gone silent.
What did you think was going to happen? Everybody knows that Balder can be a bit... sensitive.
I forgot! Is he not Balder the Invincible? His mother, Frigg, made every object in Midgard swear to never do harm to her son!
Yeah, but I guess when sticks and stones WON’T break your bones, words get that much more hurtful. Now he’s sulking even worse.
Arrrrgh! Why hast thou told me that? For now I feel even worse! My guilt stalks me like a frost giant, yet one whose brains I cannot dash into the snow with a single blow from mighty Mjolnir!!! What am I to do, loyal readers?
How about apologize to him?
Your naivete would amuse me, were we not inhabiting the same body. You are like a mewling little babe, Donald Blake. The men of Fjasdflkasddelhelm never apologize. They forge ahead, ever bolder, and the world trembles in their wake.
I’m pretty sure Fjasdflkasddelhelm isn’t a real thing.
The English language is incapable of capturing the Nordic tongue, but it translates to “men who carry their testicles around in wheelbarrows.”
Eww. Look, apologizing wouldn’t make anyone respect you less. And it’d be better than what you’re doing now, which is stomping around and screwing up weather patterns all over the place. There was a tornado in Brooklyn, for crying out loud.
FEAR MY WRATH, YUPPIE HIPSTERS!
C’mon. Don’t you see that hipsters aren’t the problem? You feel bad for yelling at Balder. I mean, you’re Thor! All the Aesir look up to you, and-
RECOGNIZE!
Knock it off! Stop trying to change the subject. Balder idolizes you, and now that you’ve scolded him, he feels worse. But if Asgard is going rise from the ashes, she needs her king, and he needs your support. Face it: there is nothing you can punch that will make this go away. Especially not Brooklyn. It’s time to admit that you screwed up.
... Odin’s Eye, you are right.
Yeah, I am.
I have ruined everything! I have failed my king, just has he failed Asgard! I am a failure, as both a man and god!
Wait, that’s not what I-
That tornado wasn’t even supposed to hit Brooklyn! I was aiming for Baltimore! I was off by miles! I am unfit for the mantle of Thunder God!
Are you crying?
Yes! I’m not even worthy to be a god of any kind! Not even a demi-god! Or even a man, for that matter! Yes - I am henceforth to be considered a woman! Look at my long, fair and flaxen tresses! Forgive me, Balder! Forgive me, for I am a woman, and I know not what I say! You know how we get emotional!
Stop it! You need to calm down! It’s snowing in the Philippines right now, and people are starting to freak out. Get a hold of yourself, man!
Look, everything is going to be alright. It’s just a goddamn apology. You can tell him you’re sorry over some mead, or whatever. These things happen.
I... I don’t know what to say. You are right, Blake. The storm clouds on the horizon are vast, and I fear that I lost my head. Thank you for your counsel. Mark this day on your calendars, ye mortals, for unlikely in your short lives, that are like a moth to my immortal flame, shall you e’er again-
JUST GO, ALREADY!
Fine, fine. I’m going. Bye for now,
-Thor, God of...well, you know.
This issue of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by Thor #615, by Matt Fraction. We’re normally not big Thor readers, but we like Fraction’s work, and since the series is in a bit of a big “Control-Alt-Delete” we figured this would be a good time to get into it. Check out our review of Thor #615.
