Superhero Diaries: Cyclops #2

Author: Scott “Having one eye doesn’t bother my trouser snake” Summers, AKA Cyclops
Mood: Terrified
Listening to: Portishead

I think I’m going to die.

Yesterday, I sent Wolverine out on a mission.  See, we’re in this battle against vampires, and... look, when I say that, I just need you to believe me.  I’m too freaked out right now to get into it, okay?  I’m fighting a war against actual blood-sucking vampires and that’s not even the scariest part of my day.  

The vampires attacked us first. They want to turn mutants into vampires, for some reason.  I don’t know why.  I guess vampires feel that super strength, immortality and being the hottest trend in the female, 13-24 demographic isn’t good enough anymore, and now they want mutant powers, too.   It’s basically biological warfare - they’ve made it so vampirism can be transmitted in blood.  Yes, like HIV.  If someone exposes themselves to the sun, blows up and gets their blood on you... you’re f*cked.  Go invest in a sarcophogus.  

They got Jubilee first.  It’s how we first found out what they could do. One of them walked up to a crowded restaurant where she was eating and detonated himself.  We thought it was a coincidence - that she was an innocent bystander - but now I suspect they were aiming for her.  When we realized that she was turning into one of them, we tried to keep her with us, but they lured her out, somehow.  She broke out, and we needed to get her back or we were afraid she’d be lost forever.  Wolverine said he wanted to go after her, and I let him. Now he’s a vampire, too.

Everyone wants to know what I was thinking, sending Wolverine out alone when we hadn’t had time for recon or strategy or anything.  I wasn’t thinking, okay!!!  Do you know what I’ve had to deal with lately?  I just moved us out to this friggin’ island when it started to sink.  I had to ask Namor for help even though he only agreed because he wants to bang my girlfriend.  Then we finally found the savior of the entire mutant race, but we had to save her from an army of mutant-killing robots from the future, and we lost Nightcrawler and Cable in the war.  That was just last week.  I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.  Apparently there’s a bunch of new mutants, too - the first in years, but I don’t know anything about them. (I fell asleep during our weekly status meeting, but no one realized it because of my visor.)

When Wolverine volunteered to go after Jubilee, I was so glad to delegate it that I didn’t think about the risks.  I mean... he’s Wolverine!!! He ALWAYS comes through... except for this time.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Yesterday, Wolverine was an unstoppable killing machine with unbreakable metal bones, the ability to heal almost any wound, and giant claws coming out of his hands.  Now, he’s all of those things... and a vampire.  A vampire who hates my guts.

I’m serious.  He hates me.  He sent this text message yesterday: “Looks like I’m ‘Team Edward’ now.  Protect ya neck!” I don’t know if he blames me for sending him out unprepared, but it’s no secret he and I never got along. I know I’ve dreamed about optic blasting him until he was nothing but a pile of adamantium and jelly, giving him an hour or so to heal up a bit, and then doing it all over again.  I could probably do that for a month before I got bored. We always made it work because we had to, but now that he’s a vampire, he’s got no reason to be loyal to me.  Even worse, he can stick his claws into me in whatever sick, twisted ways he can think of, and now he won’t just enjoy it - it’ll have nutritional value.

(And now I’m covered in vomit.  I was throwing up so much that I started dry heaving, and I must have convulsed a bit because I hit one of the triggers for my visor in my glove.  I optic blasted the trash can, and now my whole room is a mess.)

Everyone keeps telling me, “Don’t worry - he can’t come out during the day.  Just run.”  Except these new vampires aren’t even afraid of the sun. They’ve got some kind of light-bending technology that keeps the sunlight from touching them.  That’s right: I’ve got a mutant vampire with a grudge AND PREDATOR TECHNOLOGY coming for me. That’s like the club sandwich of nightmares.  Anyways, where would I run???  He’s WOLVERINE.  The only thing that could track people better would be a dog tied to an eagle.

It’s not like I’ve never thought I was going to die before, but usually, bad guys just sort of show up and you go charging into battle.  You don’t have time to dwell on it.  But this is so much worse.  Death is coming for me, no matter what I do. That’s not hyperbole, either - Wolverine was actually the avatar of death for a few months.    

As for these “teammates” of mine... I should have known the cowards would ditch me when things got tough.  

I thought Magneto at least might help me. He once ripped all the metal from Wolverine’s skeleton.  It’s the worst anyone has ever damaged him.  But when I asked Magneto to help me, he said, “Uh, that didn’t kill him the last time I did that, and he wasn’t a vampire at the time.  I’m not pissing him off now.”  Thanks, pal. I know he’s relatively new to the hero side of the business, but that’s no excuse. This the thanks I get for housing one of the worst enemies of mankind? He literally had to register with a government agency before could live with us.  Then I had to go door to door, telling people that a villain would be living in the neighborhood.  (At first everyone assumed I was a sex offender, though in retrospect, I shouldn’t have worn the leather jumpsuit.)

Now everyone’s acting like I’m already dead.  The students cry when they see me, and Namor’s sending my girlfriend flowers. I’d be more insulted, except the moron only uses Atlantean florists and aquatic plant life.  By the time it arrives, it’s a vase full of goo, with a note that says “Like Georgia O’Keefe, looking at these blossoms makes me think of your vagina.” Smoooooooooth.  



His attempts are laughable, but they’re still insulting. What was less laughable was when I heard White Queen scheduling a date with Tony Stark.  It’s one thing not to wait until the body is cold, but f*ck me - this body can still hear.  Then, as a way of apologizing, she offered to give me “one last time in the sack.”  Yeah, I took her up on the offer, BUT THAT WAS NOT THE RIGHT WORDING!!!  F*cking mutants.  If there’s a silver lining to my upcoming evisceration, it’s that at least I won’t have to lead this bunch of incompetents any more.

Y’know what?  I give up.  Let’s get this over with, because I’m starting to lose my grip.  Part of me even wants to laugh.  I mean, what’s the point in crying?  It doesn’t solve anything.   My just visor fills up and it gets hard to see, and when I open it to drain I ruin a wall.  

FML,

Cyke

This issue of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by X-Men: Curse of the Mutants #3, by Victor Gischler and Paco Medina.  We’re going give this one-and-a-half “meh’s.” It’s cute, but the fact that it’s not actually occurring in any of the X-titles gives it the air of something Marvel’s kid wrote, and they put it on the fridge because they love him.  Wolverine is running around in a lot of different books, looking distinctly lacking in vampir-ociousness-ity, so there’s definitely an undo on the way. We also just went through a big X-crossover with MONUMENTAL REPERCUSSIONS FOR THE MUTANT RACE.  Maybe we should settle down for a couple of months; give the freaks a couple of “gimmes.”  Hey, what’re the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants up to these days?  Wouldn’t it be weird if they fought the X-men while Magneto was on the roster? AWKwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.......